It’s 3 AM and I can’t sleep. One thought is running through my mind. Are you an obsession? I know the answer without thinking. Instinctively I know, but I owe it to myself and you to explore this question fully. This space, this blog I created for us. It is my space to share my gift with you, and by sharing this gift I am growing closer to my potential as a writer. Because of you that I started writing again. You inspired the strength and courage to write again, so every word I write is yours as much as it is mine. So I think this is the perfect place to deal with this question.

So are you an obsession? The definition is:

a persistent disturbing preoccupation with an often unreasonable idea or feeling; broadly :compelling motivation.

I don’t fit the definition above. There is reason to my obsession with you. Do you at times possess my mind and heart? Yes. Are you one of my compelling motivations to reach higher and farther in this world? Yes. You are an obsession because I love having you in my mind. You are an obsession because I am more than the sum of my parts with you in my heart. Last night I couldn’t even write because I felt as if all my words came from a damaged part of me. I felt as if I was some deranged stalker. I could write about anything in the world, but I’m compelled by gravity to write you. I need to write what I feel and right now I feel you. You know I’m not crazy, but yes I am obsessed with you. I’m obsessed with you the way the oceans are obsessed with the tides, the way clouds are obsessed with the winds. I know you are trying to make things work with Jose. Whether things work out with him or not it doesn’t matter. I know this is something that you have to let play out. Even if I could I would not try to stop it. I just want you to understand you are a natural obsession and you do not enable anything but love in my life. I can’t go on doubting or denying this obsession. You are my obsession, and it feels good to admit. You were right when you said this was a year of transformation for me. This obsession was the catalyst for this change. Loving you has gives me so much back. I try not to look to far down the road right now. I take each day for what it is. My goal is to make the most of each day. I am not going to change. You know you can’t change the way my heart works. It is what it is. It wants what it wants. Maybe one day the stars will align with what my hearts desires. Until then stop thinking you enable me in anyway. The only thing you ever did to enable this obsession of mine was being born. Now I need to get up for an early work out. I love you Jadie, truly and deeply I do. You are and always will be my favorite obsession.

Obsessively your,


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Chapter 12 – The Colorado

He loved Jadie. That was his problem and his solution. There was desire, more than he had ever felt, but it was complicated. He needed and wanted to love her in so many ways. This love of his beyond any romance, and deeper than any friendship. It was profound beyond the conventional view of the world. At times it was profound, and at times it was confusing. There were moments of passion, and there were moments complete peace. It was agonizing, and exhilirating, sometimes simultaneously. She made him feel. She made him feel everything across the sprectrum of emotions, he knew this was being alive and he loved her for it. Even when she hurt him he loved her. The greeks had many words for love and understood it to have many names. Eros, Pathos, Philia, Ludus, Agape, Pragma, and Philautia. Eros was the passionate side of love. Fiery, irrational, and uncontrollable. The love that would possess and drive you mad. Where do you think the phrase falling madly in love comes from? Philia was the love of a deep friendship. This side of love was loyal, sacraficing, and sharing. This love required a deep connection and understanding for the other person. Ludus is playful and affectionate. Frivolous, fun, and it loves to tease and play. Then there is Agape the selfless love. The love that inspire charity. It is a universal love of everything. Pragma is the mature side of love. Usually developed over long periods of time, it is patient, understanding and tolerant. The last type of love Philautia is the love of ones self. This self compassion enhanced our capacity for other types of love. What he felt definitely spanned each of the areas. Yes, there was definitly uncontrollable fires burning. Yes, tt was undeniable there was a deep connection. Playful and teasing? Yes. Selfless? Selflessness is a requirement to love Jadie. So a big yes there. Surprisingly even though they only knew each other a few years Pragma was definitely covered. He loved her as if he knew her a thousand years. Lastly he loved her as loved himself. It was almost a perfect love. If she only felt the same. If only she wanted all the love he had to give.

Tonight they were to meet at the Colorado. A dive bar on the eastern end of Pasadena far away from the crowds, the metered parking, and the pretenious buzz of the upper middle class. Inside it was a little run down, with dark walls, neon signs, and a floor some how seemed to seamlessly blend into the ceiling. Dark leather booths lined the left side of the bar, and wooden bar stools lined the right side of the bar. Behind the bar were the usually selection of spirits and beer on mirroried shelves that one would find at any bar. There was no kitchen but they did sell small bags of potatoe chips and candy bars, and lotto tickets, very classy I know. I never said it was classy. Despite all its flaws they both loved it. They loved it the way one would love an old comfortable sweater. It was old and familiar, and it was theirs. A place they could hide from the world and find comfort in eachothers existence without interuption or distraction. The juke box didn’t have much of a modern selection, but it was filled with songs that resurrected fond warm memories of yesterday. The staff, while rough around the edges at times, provided fast, friendly and prompt service. It was definitly not high-end, but it was a place of comfort and refuge for them both. Most importantly it had a pool table in the backroom, which was one of the few physical activities he could confidently and consistently beat her at. He even bought her a personal pool stick as an incentive to play. It was pink with girl graphics that read “sweet candy.” It was probably more femine than she prefered, but he didn’t care. He just knew she would look cute holding it.

He had arrived before her. Instinctively he grabbed a seat at the bar and quickly ordered a drink. He texted her to get an ETA. She replied,”I’m running late, but please don’t be drunk when I get there.” Although he was not an alcholic, he did enjoy to drink and she felt there was a lack of control to this enjoyment. He never bothered to argue with her because he knew here words showed that she loved him. It was a Sunday afternoon, football was on, so he made small talk with the local bar flys while he waited for her. Finally, after about twenty minutes she arrived. He was already looking at the door. For some reason he always felt her before she arrived. Everything slowed down that moment, everything except his heart. The world just felt different when she was around.

She sat down at the bar and ordered her usual, Jameson and Ginger. The bartender quickly and with extra care delivered her drink. He thought to himself beauty does have it’s perks. She would deny any special treatment by men, but he always noticed that men, men with half a brain and working eyes, always treated her with special care. He would never be jealous over it. He understood there need to make her happy. “How could you not want to make that beautiful face smile,” he always thought to himself. (To be continued)


Tonight I can’t stop thinking of you. I tried writing, but my imagination keeps falling back to thoughts of you. Please don’t dwell on anything I am about say, just let me indulge this selfish pleasure of mine. Let me love you without guilt for a few minutes. You are not to blame in any way, this wound is self inflicted. My love for you is not fueled by false hope. Despite all the reason in the world my heart refuses to break. Time does nothing to fade my conviction. Even if I never hear your voice again, if I never see those eyes again you would still continue to haunt my dreams. Tnis sounds dramatic, but you have to know that this desire, this hunger to love you does not fade. It’s part of who I am. How do I know this? I’m not really sure, but I just know I do. You tell me you aren’t who I see you to be, but I see you perfectly. In you exist these dualities that make you so unique, so rare and so extremely beautiful. You heart is so strong, but at the same time it can be so timid and scared. You can be so brave and in the same turn so insecure. Inside and out you are completely beautiful and yet so humble. You’ve been hurt so much but your heart keeps on loving. According to the laws of the universse you should not exist, but you do. All of this contradiction blends into the most amazing and complete woman I have ever loved. Don’t you dare think that I love you just because you are different. Most men may only get that far, but I need more. I love you because you redine love for me, and somehow by just existing you heal my world and make it whole. My heart never completely worked until I met you. It’s truly undefinable. Just knowing you makes me a better man. You give me strength, love, understanding, vision, but most importantly you have taught me patience. Loving you requires patience, I say this not because you frustrate me at time, but because the art of loving you requires patience. You have a lifetime of secrets to share, and it requires a lifetime of love to be worthy of these secrets. Once inside you its hard to not to want everything, but I know taking to much, to quickly is not fair to you. Do I feel lucky to love you? Yes I do. Do I want more? I will always want more, but tonight I am feeling extremely grateful for having such a rare beautiful object for my affection.

Gratefully yours,

Chapter … Part 1

The day had ended and he found sleep impossible with his mind swimming in images and emotions inspired by her. Loving her was the easiest and at the same time the most exhausting task for him. Easy because nothing there was no other sensation that felt as good or as natural as loving her. Exhausting because he had to tear himself apart to be around her. His eyes were the biggest offenders. When he looked at her he couldn’t help but love her and that was his downfall. To Jadie this was probably percieved as an awkard sadness, but he was not sad. Really this was the look of silent agony.

Ch 777.5

The day was one of thousands that blended into each other. He spent his day organizing bills, lighting the pilot light of his heater, working out, and counting the leaves on the tree in his backyard, basically anything to keep his mind from wandering back to her. When everything else failed he retreated to sleep praying that she didn’t find his way into his dreams. As he gazed out his front door and watch the retreating sun he let his thoughts retreat and his strength grow as the days shadows stretched into night. “I know your out there, and I know you feel me,” he said to the amber sky as it swallowed the sun. He was talking to the missing piece of his heart, which he was beganing to understand was broken into two pieces the day she was born. He could feel it beat, he felt all his life, he never doubted it was different, but he craved for the secrets that were unlocked when she was around. The road ahead, the decisions to get where he needed to be were simple to see now. He had one goal, one purpose, and failure was a distant word not in his vocabulary today. He understood time separated them at the moment, he knew so did space, but nothing could stop his thoughts from finding her. “It was time to stop the silence,” he thought. He owed it to himself, he definitely owed to her. As the last sliver of sun disappeared into the dark horizon he couldn’t help but smile because he felt a confidence that was beyond his understanding. He just accepted this gift and smiled becuase he knew at that moment he was exactly where the universe wanted him to be, and he knew his life was about to transform. For once he embraced the discomfort and uncertainity, and looked that challenges of the coming months and years the way a hunter looks at his prey.

Chapter 777

He woke with thoughts of her as he always did, but today he tried to fight them back. He missed her and wanted to hear her voice more than anything. “Let go, move on,” was the impossible mission of the day. It was a few days after Christimas and the late winter had finally come to California. Through the blinds of his bedroom he could see the cold cloudless blue sky waiting for him to start the day. The morning coldness had a bite and in a momentarily lapse of reason he started to fanatasize and wonder what it would feel like to wake up with his arms wrapped around her beautiful body. How amazing would the smell of her hair be, and how sweet it must feel to be there when she opens her eyes for a new day. He eventually got out of bed and started this day, but today was different. He didn’t feel crippled by hopeless plight of his unrequited love and he had purpose. Somedays you just trust in destiny and today was one of those days for him. Their paths were meant to cross and he knew somehow life would always keep them close. He knew she’d be in his future, and his love for her will always be this unstoppable force. So today he was going to live his life and exist with no regret. As he jumped that morning he looked at the morning sky through his bedroom window and sent her thoughts of love as he alwasy did. “I love you Jadie”, he thought as his feet touched the floor. (To be continued after breakfast Jadie…)

City Lights

Riding high through the city lights. Coasting on the highs of other, breathing in the lows and highs. Bass beating, treble screaming touching the hard to reach part of the soul. Smiles and Crys paint the landscape with nameless colors of forget dreams and lost hope. Clouds scream though the dreamless nights leaving us to light our own fires. Smoke rises into the beating night giving us new dreams for tomorrow. I drive and drive, following endless lines looking for the echos of her beauty, hoping she sees the beautiful light of my soul burning.

Christmas – Chapter 9

It was a few strokes past midnight on Christmas Day. He ended their conversation with, “Thank you.” “She is probably asleep,” he thought to himself. He knew even if she wasn’t she wouldn’t have asked why. She was smart and learned to ignore his “complicated” moments and words. It was probably best she had already told him he doesn’t have a chance. Not in those exact words but with a look once. Even if you have never seen that look you would know it when you saw it. Its a look of pity and love. His heart doesn’t listen. It still goes on loving, wanting, and hoping. It’s really not a bad life, he had now become accustom to his broken heart. They say the devil you know is better than the devil you don’t know, and he definitely knew this demon. The thing he couldn’t figure out was why he couldn’t walk away. He did understand that he could only love her in one way, and when he looked at her his heart will always melt. He knew from the moment he met her he would always be in love with her. Not being a child he knew when someone tells you they don’t feel the same you should move on, but he couldn’t. As hard as he tried he couldn’t. To add insult to injury she was also his best friend, they had a connection, an understanding beyond anything he had ever felt. Getting back to his “Thank you.” In his mind the thank you was for all the obvious reasons. For being the most beautiful example of a woman he had ever known. For being the perfect image of love in this broken world, but most of all he was saying thank you for one of his favorite moment. The day before at work she tied up her hair with a pen, not in any exact fashion, but it always left him without words. His favorite part were the few loose stands of hair that fell randomly framing her beautful face. Looking at her during these moments he understood why men fight wars, build mooments, create priceless works of art, climb moountains, and otherwise push the limits of their humainity in an attempt to be worthy of such women. Looking that her dark silky hair tied up exposing the delicate knape of her neck he fantasized what it must be like to kiss that skin, and memorize those curves by touch. With his eyes secretly he traced her those delicate contours again and again, down the the base of her neck and up to that cute chin, the dimple on her left cheek, those lucious full lips, the beautiful mole on that little button nose, and then up to the center of his universe, her eyes. Her eyes were what made his universe move. He was an expert in these momemnts, he knew if he watched her carefully there were these rare random moments when he could steal a deep stare into those eyes when she was unaware. You can get lost in that ocean of love, pain, joy, fear, and wonder, and he never missed a chance to dive into that ocean that she called a soul. This is why he loved her, she made moments like this happen when she was at her desk opening her mail. He had known for years and this passion and desire has only grown deeper. This is why he never considered walking away, he knew this love was part of him. Bsides, who called walk away from a miracle like this. Sure his heart had been broken a thousand times and was sure to only have years of heart ache ahead, but she was worth it. Today was a day he spent with family, and he looked forward to it. His heart now considered her family too, so it left him sad that he would not see her today. His only comfort was knowing that although separated for the moment by time, space and personal circumstance he could still feel his heart beat inside of his. This was something either of them could deny. As he decided to get up for the day and get ready for the world he sent her thoughts of love and happiness.

Christmas Eve… Chapter 8

It’s Christmas eve and my thoughts can’t stay away from you. I know I am far from your thoughts, but it doesn’t matter tonight. Tonight I am tired of pretending this heart was not made to love you. I am tired of pretending I am not who I know I am. I am tired of hearing my deepest thoughts are misgiven. Just once, if only for a moment, if only for one beat of your heart, let these words find a home deep in your heart. Tomorrow I will go on with this charade and pretend I am just a fool. You don’t have to say anything, let your silence be your gift for me today. Just let me exist as I was born. I may not know what is like to kiss those lips, but I have memorized every piece of that broken heart. I love each piece for the miracle. I love your broken heart, and all it’s countless pieces. Maybe it’s possible my heart could match your in love, and happiness. Maybe my heart could heal the pain that haunts your dreams. What if there are secrets I keep that would make you understand your destiny. What if you are wrong about me? In you will always have a perfect love that understands, love and protects. You are and always will be the end that I have always known. Give me a chance to make everyone of your dreams come true.

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