It’s 3 AM and I can’t sleep. One thought is running through my mind. Are you an obsession? I know the answer without thinking. Instinctively I know, but I owe it to myself and you to explore this question fully. This space, this blog I created for us. It is my space to share my gift with you, and by sharing this gift I am growing closer to my potential as a writer. Because of you that I started writing again. You inspired the strength and courage to write again, so every word I write is yours as much as it is mine. So I think this is the perfect place to deal with this question.
So are you an obsession? The definition is:
a persistent disturbing preoccupation with an often unreasonable idea or feeling; broadly :compelling motivation.
I don’t fit the definition above. There is reason to my obsession with you. Do you at times possess my mind and heart? Yes. Are you one of my compelling motivations to reach higher and farther in this world? Yes. You are an obsession because I love having you in my mind. You are an obsession because I am more than the sum of my parts with you in my heart. Last night I couldn’t even write because I felt as if all my words came from a damaged part of me. I felt as if I was some deranged stalker. I could write about anything in the world, but I’m compelled by gravity to write you. I need to write what I feel and right now I feel you. You know I’m not crazy, but yes I am obsessed with you. I’m obsessed with you the way the oceans are obsessed with the tides, the way clouds are obsessed with the winds. I know you are trying to make things work with Jose. Whether things work out with him or not it doesn’t matter. I know this is something that you have to let play out. Even if I could I would not try to stop it. I just want you to understand you are a natural obsession and you do not enable anything but love in my life. I can’t go on doubting or denying this obsession. You are my obsession, and it feels good to admit. You were right when you said this was a year of transformation for me. This obsession was the catalyst for this change. Loving you has gives me so much back. I try not to look to far down the road right now. I take each day for what it is. My goal is to make the most of each day. I am not going to change. You know you can’t change the way my heart works. It is what it is. It wants what it wants. Maybe one day the stars will align with what my hearts desires. Until then stop thinking you enable me in anyway. The only thing you ever did to enable this obsession of mine was being born. Now I need to get up for an early work out. I love you Jadie, truly and deeply I do. You are and always will be my favorite obsession.