Somedays it kills me that I care so much about what you think, and I hate going to bed right after you upset me. I’ve been up off and on throughout the night thinking about this weekend. I couldn’t finish writing my chapter because I kept dwelling on the fact that you feel I will never reach that 100%. I’ve made a lot of changes in my life and you are the catalyst that triggered all of this change. The one thing that makes you different, the one reason I love you beyond anyone else in this world is the fact that you believe in me. You believed that I am better than what I’ve been and you refuse to accept anything less than my full potential. I know you are right in thinking I am better than what I have been. I will reach that 100%. I know you didn’t mean in a cruel way when you said you need to find balance with me, but it hurt to hear you say that. It makes me feel that the one person in my life that really believed in me has lost faith. Maybe I am dwelling too much on your words. Maybe I love you too much. I definitely know I love you more than you want me to sometimes. This will never change, and you know I will never love anyone the same way I love you. I will never fully explain where all it comes from, or why I have loved you from the day we met. You’ve taught me that somethings do not require explanation. Please understand there is nothing in my life more powerful than the inspiration and love I get from you. When I think of you, when I look at you I am always reminded of who I am, and suddenly everything is so simple. Don’t take that away from me and please don’t start accepting me for less than who I should be. I know what I am capable of achieving and I will make it all happen. I will prove to you I am capable of achieving consistency. I will show you I can reach 100%. Also thank you for being “inflexible” or “difficult.” These are you words, but I realize it’s one of the thousands of reasons why I do love you. For the record I don’t see you as any of these things. You just require exactly what you give, and most people don’t care or give as much as you do. I beg you don’t start caring less. Don’t start giving less. It’s what makes you special. Do not let that die. I would rather die than to see you change. It’s almost morning. I can hear birds singing and cars starting. Time for me to start my day. Today I promise you 100% and each day I will renew this promise to you and myself. Thank you for being my never ending source of inspiration, and thank you for being the whirlwind that has become the center of my universe. I love you.

Love,

J

Jadie,  I feel the friend in me has let you down. I let you down by not being stronger. You want me to be in your life, and the feeling is mutual. It’s a struggle and I’m trying, believe me I’m trying. There have months to process the fact there is someone new in your life, and there is one clear conclusion. There is a need for you in my life, you are part of me, and I want to be part of you. You have to know I will never be able to look at you and hide the fact that the light in your eyes will always define beauty for me. My emotions for you will always run deeper than what could be defined by the word friendship. This undeniable attraction, this never ending need to love you still confuses me. I have never know why I’m so drawn to you. Like you say it’s pointless to fight it. The only way to define it is to say your existence really does complete my soul and brings me peace never felt before. Your presence brings me love, strength, and the fire of desire. You make me want more, you make me want to be more, but most of all you remind me I owe it to myself and everyone around me to be more. When I pull away from you I feel the loneliness and I only hurt myself. Jadie I miss your thoughts, I miss our conversations, and I miss you. Please let me know if this all sounds crazy to you, if you think I’m crazy or if I am wrong about who you are to me. I guess what I am saying is I’m ready to give you what you been asking for…

Love, 

 J

Jadie,

I have been up most of the night searching for answer. Praying I’d find a way to keep you close because I can’t imagine not sharing this life with you. We are both exhausted and my mind has been working overtime since Thursday trying to wrap my arms around this situation. I told you that seeing you and him together felt like a thousand knives stabbing my heart all at once. It hurt more than I expected. It was a terrifying moment of truth, but when my heart stopped beating out of my chest I had a moment of clarity. What I felt was the realization of a truth I do not know how to explain, and I know you are blind to this reality. The only way I can say it is that you are timeless, and this world will crumble to dust long before I stop loving you. You are the missing piece of my heart that I never thought I’d find, and my world is infinitely more meaningful and beautiful with you in it. You say I need to give other women a chance, but I know there are no other woman like you. Somethings you just know. There is no point in arguing because on this point we will always disagree. It’s a cruel joke that the timing is off, because I know my heart fits your’s like a corresponding piece of a puzzle. It kills me knowing there are parts of me you see perfectly, but sadly there are other parts that you can’t see. If you actually opened your eyes to this blindness you would be surprised. Given half a chance maybe I’d surprise you. You don’t have to agree and I do not want to overwhelm any further. Nor I do not want to hurt you or be the source of any frustration, but I would be a coward if I walked away without saying I think you are wrong about me. I know you feel something missing, but maybe this is based on a skewed perception. I will give you space if you need space, I will give you silence if you need my silence, but don’t walk away. It would be a mistake to walk away right now. I am not asking for you to pretend that the past few days didn’t happen. I am just asking you stop over thinking every move, and I will do the same. I can not change the way I love you, you know that will never change, it’s all or nothing, but I can promise to give you your best friend back and I can promise you honesty and moderation in my eyes, in my actions, and in the words I say. I am not disposable Jadie, not to you. You need me just as I need you. You are the greatest story of my life, and I want to see how this story to the end.

Love,

J

Who could love you better than me? Is it possible there is someone out there that can look deeper into those eyes and love you beyond the capacity of my heart? This a tough question for me to truthfully answer. The romantic in me would like to say no without a second thought. Before I answer I need to define my love. I know other men in your life feel it is purely in infatuation. I’m sure other women would agree as well, but I can honestly tell you this is not the case. I understand why one would easily define this as infatuation. It makes sense. How could I say I selflessly and completely love you given the amount of time I have known you and considering I have never even kissed you once? If I was on the outside looking in I would agree. I’m not gonna lie, to the logical sane mind this doesn’t make sense. I have known you less than a thousand days. However, I am on the inside of this bubble looking out, and without any doubt I know I love you. This is something you know without thinking. When I say the words I love you I feel my heart agree without any hint of hesitation. You have literally change the way my heart beats. You have changed the way I see the world. With you in my life the world suddenly makes sense. Every time we talk, every time I see you I find more reasons to love you and the world. I’m not a child, nor do I think like one. I have lived and loved. I have experienced tragic loss. Through all my experiences I have learned that when something truly special comes along your heart will tell you, and you my dear are rare. You are that unicorn that comes along once in a life time if you are lucky. Yes you are flawed, as we all are, but any sadness or pain you hold onto only adds to your beauty in my eyes. It’s not that I love you like a poor little bird with a broken wing that you find on your doorstep. I have always loved paradoxes, and that soul of yours defies the logic of this universe. You defy what my cynical mind has grown to believe. You should not exist, but you do. I lived my life thinking someone like you was only a myth, just like the unicorn, and here you are right in front of me. I also intuitively feel and understand you. I’m not saying I can read your mind, because sometimes you surprise me, but most of the time I feel your thoughts before you mind can form the words. I have said it before and I’ll say it again I feel your heart beat inside of mine. You are the heart of my heart, the center of my center, the root of all things true and I knew you before we ever met. Sounds ridiculous I know, but on everything I hold sacred in my life I swear this to be true. You also bring comfort to my eyes, and I am not just saying you are easy to look at, although you know I think there are not many women as beautiful as you. What I mean is that when I look at you I forget my own pain. When my eyes look into yours I know all things are possible, and I know what you are thinking you can’t understand how you could possible inspire someone this way. I just know if something as amazing as you can exist in this world then all things are possible. When I feel all the love you have in your heart I swear you out shine the sun. Being a part of you makes me fearless. You don’t see it but you are perfect in so many ways, and I use this word not because you are flawless. I say perfect because there is nothing that you could change that would make me love you more deeply. I also love that you are aware who you are and embrace it. Although this can make you stubborn at times and to be honest frustrate the hell out of me, I still love that you find strength in this awareness. This also challenges me and I secretly love strong women who challenge me. Ok I could go on endless. I have thousands of other reasons why I love you, and I never get tired of finding different ways to love you. So lets end this here and get back to your question. Is it possible there is someone better suited to love you? Sure it’s possible. It’s possible for lighting to strike twice in the same place.. Maybe it’s also possible this world is just over flowing with unicorns. I’m not saying there isn’t someone out there who could make you happy. I’m sure there are a lot of men out there that could give you a life that you deserve. I just you are one of a kind, our connection is one of a kind, and I don’t expect to ever find that again. If I am delusional and if I am not as special to you as I think I am then please let me know. Everyday that passes I am convinced more and more that you are my soulmate. Maybe thats why I love you so easily. I’ve felt compelled to love you since the day we met. This love goes beyond the limits of friendship. This love exceeds that of a romantic love. It defies definition and reason. You know this to be true. I would do anything for you. Your happiness is my happiness. I need to be a part of you, and share everything with you. I will always love you. I feel like I need to find a stronger word because even the word love is starting to feel limiting when I think about my feeling for you. Well there you go. Here are your thousand words. If you promise to read it I can promise you a thousand more each day.

Love,
J

Great days like today deserve to be celebrated. I know your humble eyes will never willingly acknowledge what the world sees in you, but enjoy this day and let the world love you. Let some of that light shine inward and enjoy the fact that you have much love in your life, a loving family, a beautiful mind and a warm soul. You are special beyond special and although timid at times you are one of the bravest women I know. I have said it a few times before you are an amazing mix of conflicting qualities. A strange rare mix of strengths and vulnerabilities. A beautiful paradox. It may take time for some eyes to adjust and make sense of it all, but when it all comes together no sane mind will deny that you are symphony of beauty.

Happy Birthday Jadie.

Love,

J

Jadie,

Thank you for showing me the light of inspiration comes from within, and giving me reason to bring my dreams into reality. Day after day I continue to work, and there is no turning back for me. However, you have to know that each word meant more when I was able to share it with you. Even the fire you sparked burns cold because I can’t feel comfortable in it’s light. Each word is now a painful awkward struggle because I hate my eyes. I see things, I see you, I see the world, but I’m not sure of the truth of it all. Something is broken and I am not sure how to fix it. I doubt what I see and I don’t trust what I feel when I try to believe what you want me to believe. In someways I know I was both wrong and right to feel what I feel. Am I crazy to miss you? Right now I am on center in the perfect place, free of the fears and insecurities that have plagued some many years, but something feels so wrong. I don’t doubt the path to my success. At the same time I know your life is good right now, maybe it’s better without me, and I know it’s selfish of me to miss you but I do. It’s true you enabled me. You enabled me to pull myself out of a dark downward spiral, you enabled me to realize my potential, and you enabled me to turn my back on fear. For this I will always love you. You’ve helped me open my eyes. You’ve given me my world back. This is why it’s hard for me love you within moderation. You are a unique wonderful anomaly, even in times of frustration or anger it’s a truth I never dispute. I hope one day I can share this world with you. Until then I wish you a wonderful birthday week and all the love in the world.

Love,

J

J,

I know I should be staying away and not reaching out to you. It’s what you want, but it’s so hard for me to pretend I do not feel your heart beat when I close my eyes. Really I doubt you are still reading my blog. Having you in my life awakens so much in me and now awakened these parts of me refuse to sleep. Believe me I have contemplated your words, your thoughts and your emotions. I agree my love for you, the inspiration that follows your every word, and our relationship is not normal. It’s so beyond what most people see as normal and it’s beyond what they can understand. Honestly who wants normal? We have one life. There has always been something extraordinary about our connection, please don’t turn your back on the gifts we bring each other. From day one I know I have jumped in head first and relentlessly chased this desire to love you. I have been compulsive in my actions and words. I basically attacked you with my love. Time and time again I bury you in an avalanche of my admiration. There so much beauty and pain in your existence I swear my heart breaks a little each time I lay eyes on you. Unfortunately this is where I have gone wrong, I forget about myself as I got lost in those eyes. I lose control and overwhelm your heart. This time away from each other has helped me clear my head. I see you in better light and I’m back on center. I know I don’t want to lose this connection we had. Just like I knew your beauty was destined to bring me heart ache I also know this love we share is a miracle that will not repeat in this lifetime. Let me ask you to forget the eyes of others and all the assumptions the world wants you to believe. Forget all of this and let your heart tell you who I am. I know who you are to me. I just feel sometimes you are not completely honest with yourself about things. If I’m crazy please tell me. If you want me to believe it was all dreams of a madman I will. Just open your heart and connect these dots and tell me what you see. Please don’t over think any of these words, Inside me there is still your best friend, your soul mate. Don’t give up on me I still have so much to share with you, and there is so many great things we can accomplish together.

Extraordinarily Yours,

J

Jadie,

I am going to be honest and real, more than I have ever been. You text messages the other day, the words you shared hurt. The more I replay your words in my head the more it hurts, but I know it’s necessary to try end this foolish desire to love you. My heart literally skips a beat everytime I see you, I’ve fallen in love with you a thousand times since we met, the second my eyes open each day you are always my first thought, and I know that is so far from your reality. I know I’m just a friend. Every time you say that word to refer to me I can hear the extra emphasis you put on the word. The word “friend” or “buddy”, it stabs me in the heart a little each time I hear it, but I know you are trying let me know you don’t see me as anything else but a friend. The words I continue to repeat to myself are “not normal”, “uncomfortable”, and “move on.” I take them deep inside and repeat so I don’t forget. It’s just natural to want to show my affections, to do things for you, to want to make your life easier in everyway than I can. Believe me to achieve that there is nothing I can’t do or overcome, but it makes you uncomfortable. It makes you fear me. My questions is why? Your answer “does it matter, that’s how I feel” in someways this answer is not good enough. Do I not matter enough for you to answer? Do the things I say to you, the way I treat you exceed your capacity to be loved? I’m just trying to love you and asking for nothing in return. Have I ever asked for you to give me chance? Have asked for more than you are willing to give? All I ever really asked for was your time, an occasional opportunity to buy dinner, a few drinks. A chance to talk, hear your thoughts and maybe make you laugh. I know parts of you have been hurt, damaged, and broken from your childhood. You survived a lot. You’re strong enough to survive these things, but at the same time you’ve developed a selfishness by knowing you can survive. I have always sensed it, and I tollerated it because I care deeply about you. It’s what I do when I love someone, I try to protect the person from themselves. Maybe you see this as weakness. Regardless I know I shouldn’t do that anymore. Sometimes when you love someone there are times you sacrafice your own emotions to see them happy. You don’t love me this way, and I understand this now. I just want you to understand this about yourself. Yes you are selfish sometimes. Yes you are crazy and neurotic sometimes. Believe you are completely selfless and perfectly loving in so many other ways, and you know I love you like no one else. I just want you know that this broken part of you can be selfish and cruel sometimes. I hesistate to use the word broken because when I use that word I feel it should be used for something beyond repair, and I know this is not you. I also know there are alot of insecurites inside you that make you do these things, it’s a survival instinct, and it’s you trying to protect yourself from being hurt. I am sure you know I filter myself around you too. I do see you, and not just the good stuff. This is why I know my love for you is true. Up until this point I’ve only read about actual true love. People talk about it. Poets write about it. Falling in love with the person time and time again. Seeing the light and the dark in someone and loving it all. Something inside you bringing out your best when you see them at their worst. I still have a hard time explaining it other than to say I love every part of you and wouldn’t change a thing. Somehow with you I’m able to access hidden parts of my brain, heart and soul to reach my full potential. Again I have to say this is so far from what my presence brings to your life. You even defined it as not normal. This is me and if you really feel this is not normal I have to walk away. I’m not blaming you for not being attracted to me. It is what it is, but don’t tell me I am not man enough to love you or handle you. Given the chance I could excel at loving you perfectly and giving you the life you deserve. I am not afraid of your demons. I’m not afraid to give up my life for yours, but I’m getting off track. You’re a beautiful woman and you have no problem finding men to love you. I know you say you are not beautiful in the eyes of the world, but get over it Jadie. You are beautiful, dare I say hot, or even sexy, and there is so much more than your physical beauty. How many times have you said men go out of their way to give you compliments? At the market, the coffee shop, picking up bagels, etc. They pass you notes with their number. You were on that dating site and it took you all of two tries to find this guy. What did it take? A little under a month. I know you think he’s special but the fact is if you tried again you will someone else with little effort, and he will be as “special” as this guy. So don’t get tied up on this guy because honestly I don’t think he has the capacity to love you like you need to be loved. If anything I just think he knows how to manipulate women. He knows women like men with options, so he shows he has options. He knows women like strong men, so he lets them know he can walk away at anytime. He knows how to love you just enough without scaring you away, and at the same time he knows how to be just enough of a jerk to play your insecurities against yourself. If I am wrong tell me, but like your mom said even a blind man can see this. Again let’s get back on track here. I’ve had a few days to process all of this and I know loving you the way I do is not normal or natural. I have to stop being a fool. My affection makes you fear me. You want me to go on with my life. The more I love you the more you push me away. It’s so hard to hear these words but I know this is world I need to live in. At this moment I wish I didn’t love you, because I don’t know how to stop. I will never be like one of your girlfriends, and I will never be able to give you this “normal” friendship that you want. All I can give you today is this promise, a promise which I will never break, parts of my heart will always belong to you and I will always be here ready to love you completely, unselfishly and perfectly. Let me know if your stars ever align with mine.

P.S. I also promise never to stop writing, and to find the success you know I deserve. Hopefully I can find a way to share it with you.

Eternally and Uncomfortable Yours,

Joseph

Today wasn’t great. My mind is still preoccupied but I know I need to force myself to write even if its just going through the motions. I really do love early morning, before the sun rises. Today I did listen to the trains whistle and it did trigger memories of my childhood. I thought this is the same whistle I’ve heard my whole life. I thought of waking up early just to say goodbye to my father. He worked a lot and some days it was the only time I would have with him. Some how these memories connected to the early morning conversations we used to have. Early mornings are really sacred to me. It’s hard to find someone to share these moments with, it’s hard to find someone that enjoys these moments. Thank for reconnecting me with this memory. Wednesday night I had a dream about Rivergrade. The grounds of Rivergrade were mixed with a cemetary, and we all have our own plot in the cemetary with our own beds. There was a team meeting, but I stayed behind after to find something. It was dark and I somehow became lost in the cemetary. This little white doll was chasing me as I tried to find my way back. Everytime I turned a corner there she was standing. Last night I called you because I stood late worked out in the gym before leaving work. It was dark and empty. I parked in the front visitor parking lot, and for a second I took a wrong turn getting out. Sounds dumb I know. For moment it felt very similar to my dream. I had that same cold feeling. So that’s why I called you. I know I’m a big baby, but I walking through that main courtyard. Makes me laugh now, but it really felt like I was walking through my nightmare. I hate when I dream connect to the next day. It happens a lot. I know you think I’m crazy but I really did have a reoccuring dream about you before we met. It always came to me after a day that was especially hard. It was a short dream, covered in shadows, but there was this women with dark hair. She had a gentle, and compassionate energy. She had your face. She had your eyes. I had forgotten, but in the dream there were always flowers. Orchids, like the ones from your tattoos. Well that’s my thought for the day. I will work on my writing and start forming the plot. Have a good day Jadie.

Love,

Joseph