I am going to be honest and real, more than I have ever been. You text messages the other day, the words you shared hurt. The more I replay your words in my head the more it hurts, but I know it’s necessary to try end this foolish desire to love you. My heart literally skips a beat everytime I see you, I’ve fallen in love with you a thousand times since we met, the second my eyes open each day you are always my first thought, and I know that is so far from your reality. I know I’m just a friend. Every time you say that word to refer to me I can hear the extra emphasis you put on the word. The word “friend” or “buddy”, it stabs me in the heart a little each time I hear it, but I know you are trying let me know you don’t see me as anything else but a friend. The words I continue to repeat to myself are “not normal”, “uncomfortable”, and “move on.” I take them deep inside and repeat so I don’t forget. It’s just natural to want to show my affections, to do things for you, to want to make your life easier in everyway than I can. Believe me to achieve that there is nothing I can’t do or overcome, but it makes you uncomfortable. It makes you fear me. My questions is why? Your answer “does it matter, that’s how I feel” in someways this answer is not good enough. Do I not matter enough for you to answer? Do the things I say to you, the way I treat you exceed your capacity to be loved? I’m just trying to love you and asking for nothing in return. Have I ever asked for you to give me chance? Have asked for more than you are willing to give? All I ever really asked for was your time, an occasional opportunity to buy dinner, a few drinks. A chance to talk, hear your thoughts and maybe make you laugh. I know parts of you have been hurt, damaged, and broken from your childhood. You survived a lot. You’re strong enough to survive these things, but at the same time you’ve developed a selfishness by knowing you can survive. I have always sensed it, and I tollerated it because I care deeply about you. It’s what I do when I love someone, I try to protect the person from themselves. Maybe you see this as weakness. Regardless I know I shouldn’t do that anymore. Sometimes when you love someone there are times you sacrafice your own emotions to see them happy. You don’t love me this way, and I understand this now. I just want you to understand this about yourself. Yes you are selfish sometimes. Yes you are crazy and neurotic sometimes. Believe you are completely selfless and perfectly loving in so many other ways, and you know I love you like no one else. I just want you know that this broken part of you can be selfish and cruel sometimes. I hesistate to use the word broken because when I use that word I feel it should be used for something beyond repair, and I know this is not you. I also know there are alot of insecurites inside you that make you do these things, it’s a survival instinct, and it’s you trying to protect yourself from being hurt. I am sure you know I filter myself around you too. I do see you, and not just the good stuff. This is why I know my love for you is true. Up until this point I’ve only read about actual true love. People talk about it. Poets write about it. Falling in love with the person time and time again. Seeing the light and the dark in someone and loving it all. Something inside you bringing out your best when you see them at their worst. I still have a hard time explaining it other than to say I love every part of you and wouldn’t change a thing. Somehow with you I’m able to access hidden parts of my brain, heart and soul to reach my full potential. Again I have to say this is so far from what my presence brings to your life. You even defined it as not normal. This is me and if you really feel this is not normal I have to walk away. I’m not blaming you for not being attracted to me. It is what it is, but don’t tell me I am not man enough to love you or handle you. Given the chance I could excel at loving you perfectly and giving you the life you deserve. I am not afraid of your demons. I’m not afraid to give up my life for yours, but I’m getting off track. You’re a beautiful woman and you have no problem finding men to love you. I know you say you are not beautiful in the eyes of the world, but get over it Jadie. You are beautiful, dare I say hot, or even sexy, and there is so much more than your physical beauty. How many times have you said men go out of their way to give you compliments? At the market, the coffee shop, picking up bagels, etc. They pass you notes with their number. You were on that dating site and it took you all of two tries to find this guy. What did it take? A little under a month. I know you think he’s special but the fact is if you tried again you will someone else with little effort, and he will be as “special” as this guy. So don’t get tied up on this guy because honestly I don’t think he has the capacity to love you like you need to be loved. If anything I just think he knows how to manipulate women. He knows women like men with options, so he shows he has options. He knows women like strong men, so he lets them know he can walk away at anytime. He knows how to love you just enough without scaring you away, and at the same time he knows how to be just enough of a jerk to play your insecurities against yourself. If I am wrong tell me, but like your mom said even a blind man can see this. Again let’s get back on track here. I’ve had a few days to process all of this and I know loving you the way I do is not normal or natural. I have to stop being a fool. My affection makes you fear me. You want me to go on with my life. The more I love you the more you push me away. It’s so hard to hear these words but I know this is world I need to live in. At this moment I wish I didn’t love you, because I don’t know how to stop. I will never be like one of your girlfriends, and I will never be able to give you this “normal” friendship that you want. All I can give you today is this promise, a promise which I will never break, parts of my heart will always belong to you and I will always be here ready to love you completely, unselfishly and perfectly. Let me know if your stars ever align with mine.
P.S. I also promise never to stop writing, and to find the success you know I deserve. Hopefully I can find a way to share it with you.
Eternally and Uncomfortable Yours,