Chapter ??? – Cold Spring

Gregory’s mother was never the same after his father died. His father and mother were high school sweethearts, and married just out of high school. For about 20 years they were happily married, but just before turning 50 his father had an affair. Gregory’s father briefly moved out of the house. The other women was a friend of the family. Gregory was only 17 and reacted with anger and resentment for his father. He was angry not only because he felt betrayed by his father, but also because he was the last to know. Everyone, it seemed, knew before him. The night he left the house his parents called all his siblings into the kitchen. Even his older sister, who now lived in her own house, came over. His parents calmly announced they had been having problems and they would be spliting up. After the talk his father went to his bedroom and packed a small bag of clothes. It all went very well until my father physically walked out the door. This where his mother had her break down. She ran after his father crying, begging him not to leave. His father was barely ten feet out the door. Gregory and his sisters had to pry their mother off his father. “Let him leave mom,” Gregory pleaded. It killed them all to see her like this, their mother, having grown up with an abusive mother had always been strong for her loved ones around her. “Don’t leave, please don’t leave,” was all he could remember he saying. There he stood in the patio of his childhood home, holding his mother as she continued to cry and calapse into a broken version of someone he had never seen before. It was very surreal, a few days prior he thought his life, his family, and his parents were perfect. Both parent were the eldest in their own families and there was certain pride Gregory had always felt knowing his parents were respected and admired by his entire family. This was now over 20 years ago, but every detail has been burned into his memory. His father eventually came back to the house, but Gregory always wondered why he came back. Did he come back because he loved his mother? Did he come back because he loved his family, or did he come back because financial it was impossible for Gregory and his brother to stay in private school and their father live separately? Maybe it was a mixed of all three, but Gregory always felt his fathers love for his mother was not the main reason. He was happy to have him back, but on some level his family was never the same. Sadly his father died of cancer two years later. It was not almost fourteen years later and his mother now had cancer. Just like that night she still leaned on Gregory heavily for many things. Gregory was not spending his evening, and every free moment he had at the hospital with his dying mother.

Each time the sunrises

Each time the sunrises you can’t blame me for the way the world shines. The no reason to the bitter sweet bliss that falls out of the sky, but this truth doesn’t need reason.

Reason to Love

Days pass as I lie here just before sunrise, again and again. The dull blue glow rising filling the sky, filling my mind.

There are many reasons I come back to this place. Beauty is the easy answer, its obvious and true.
But dive deeper into the stars, look beyond the past, and you will understand.

This feels like home, and it always will. The passion, the strength, the desire. With or without you I sit spinning in this orbit, falling faster each moment.

The smile when I’m wrong, the laugh when I’m right. Beautiful. Moments you’re stong, moments you’re weak. Beatiful. It’s always the first thought. It’s always the last thought.

I can never love more than that heart, but I’m not afraid. Your thoughts feed my endless desires, and I find satisfaction in hunger.

Everything is not enough, but all I have.


Today wasn’t great. My mind is still preoccupied but I know I need to force myself to write even if its just going through the motions. I really do love early morning, before the sun rises. Today I did listen to the trains whistle and it did trigger memories of my childhood. I thought this is the same whistle I’ve heard my whole life. I thought of waking up early just to say goodbye to my father. He worked a lot and some days it was the only time I would have with him. Some how these memories connected to the early morning conversations we used to have. Early mornings are really sacred to me. It’s hard to find someone to share these moments with, it’s hard to find someone that enjoys these moments. Thank for reconnecting me with this memory. Wednesday night I had a dream about Rivergrade. The grounds of Rivergrade were mixed with a cemetary, and we all have our own plot in the cemetary with our own beds. There was a team meeting, but I stayed behind after to find something. It was dark and I somehow became lost in the cemetary. This little white doll was chasing me as I tried to find my way back. Everytime I turned a corner there she was standing. Last night I called you because I stood late worked out in the gym before leaving work. It was dark and empty. I parked in the front visitor parking lot, and for a second I took a wrong turn getting out. Sounds dumb I know. For moment it felt very similar to my dream. I had that same cold feeling. So that’s why I called you. I know I’m a big baby, but I walking through that main courtyard. Makes me laugh now, but it really felt like I was walking through my nightmare. I hate when I dream connect to the next day. It happens a lot. I know you think I’m crazy but I really did have a reoccuring dream about you before we met. It always came to me after a day that was especially hard. It was a short dream, covered in shadows, but there was this women with dark hair. She had a gentle, and compassionate energy. She had your face. She had your eyes. I had forgotten, but in the dream there were always flowers. Orchids, like the ones from your tattoos. Well that’s my thought for the day. I will work on my writing and start forming the plot. Have a good day Jadie.



Chapter 19 – N/A

Gregory woke up just a few minutes before 5 a.m. The morning was still thick with darkness from the previous night. Off in the distance he heard the trains whistle. This triggered the memory of his father. His father was a truck driver and he always left early. As a child he’d always wake up early to see him off. Ever since he died these early hours felt lonely, at least until he met Jadie. He never realized that until this morning. There were many changes coming up in life for Gregory. All parts of his life were changing. He had breifly moved back into his parents house to sell it. A year prior he had ended his long time relationship with Christina. He layed in bed thinking of all the tasks for the upcoming day at work. Finding it hard to concentrate today he turned on the TV hoping to find distraction. He was finding it hard to fight the desire today, the desire that was always in the back of his head. The desire to love her. Loving her always led him to reach out to her, and he knew he had to embrace these cold lonely nights. He knew he loved Jadie too much for this life. A thought that he always felt strange. “How could you love someone too much,” he thought to himself. Somehow the dark early hours of the morning always smacked him in the face with this fact. At this point in this life he felt stronger than he ever did, but still he felt helpless because in the back of his mind he knew he would never love anyone as perfectly or completely as Jadie. Forcing himself to get up he went for a run. Knowing he would selling the house soon these morning runs felt nostalgic. He tried to memorize every house, every tree passed because he knew he would be passed soon. As an exercise of self control he forced his mind to focus on his upcoming date with Karla. He enjoyed his time with Karla, but unfortunately she didn’t still the deep emotions Jadie did. It wasn’t that Karla wasn’t beautiful, or intelligent. She was educated, and in fact was more closer to the type of women Gregory was attracted too. This weekend’s date was set for a French restaurant that Karla had been wanting to go to. Just going through the motions he had reached out to Karla and set this date. Today Gregory’s legs were sore from the week’s run. His feet pounded with a steady cadence. Running was never easy for him but he learned to use his hidden pain to fuel his runs. He ran his usual 3 miles and returned to home to get ready for his work day.

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Chapter 5 – A different light

Christmas was just around the corner, and he needed to get out. The holidays were never a good time for Gregory. Since his parents died his family had drifted apart, and his family gatherings were a shadow of what they once were. He had been talking to a new girl Karla. It was nothing serious, but they exchanged the casual text messages. One of his co-workers Sandra had invited him to her annual Christmas party. He really didn’t feel a connection to any of Sandra’s friends, or even Karla, but it was Friday and he was determined to have a good time tonight. Gregory showed up to the party around 9:30pm, he casually made his way through the room. He immediately made targeted Karla from the corner of his eye but he didn’t want to seem to obvious so he stopped at the bar and made him a drink. “Hi, so you made it after all,” he said as he greeted Karla. “Yeah. I wasn’t sure you were going to show up,” Karla responded. Karla’s glass was almost empty, and he didn’t want any extra inhibitions slowing the night so he quickly moved in to get her another drink. “Let me get you another one,” Gregory offered. Although he felt no deep connection he felt a casual attraction to Karla. The spent the night talking, but Gregory made sure to

Me and You

So it’s 3 AM and I can’t sleep. One thought is running through my mind. Are you an obsession, and do you enable this obsession? I already know the answer, but I thought I owe it to you and myself to explore it. This thought kept me from writing yesterday. I started to but I stopped.

Loving you…

Loving you is impossible and true. The world changes each time we meet. I know I shouldn’t, but hidden strengths keep me chasing the impossible. Desire is the curse that chases my dreams.

Loving you is tears me in two. I need you as I have you and I need you as I want you. You need to know what I see in your eyes. You need to know that you are the prison that sets me free.

Chapter 1.2 – The last kiss

Loving her was always effortless for him. He could stare into those eyes for hours without coming up for air, but he knew the moment their lips touched his world never be the same. It was the point of no return, and there was no safety net for his fall. He didn’t care he wanted her and tonight his impossible dream was coming true. He felt all his demons and fears die as her soft moist lips pressed against his. He admired the contrast of her tattos against her soft white skin. His hands explored every inch of her as he slowly undressed her. He was drunk with her beauty, and he could feel the world spinning. Every inch exploded with pleasure as he slowly slide inside her for the first time. He was lost in heaven. He knew this would forever be the greatest night of his life. He held her tightly, and made love to her passionately, slowly tasting every inch of her. Hours slipped away and the two feel asleep in each others arms.

The next morning he woke up, and instantly felt cold the moment he saw the piece of paper laying on her pillow. She was gone. He quickly scanned the room for any clue that she might return. Reluctantly he unfolded the piece of paper lying next to him and he began to read. “I am sorry I can’t do this…” were the first words. Everything after those words might as well have been written in another language because the echos of those first few words drowned everything out. He layed there paralyzed, unable to move, unable to scream or shed a tear. This was beyond the pain of heart break. His soul, his entire life, all his dreams were ripped to shred. After a few hours he was able to convince his body to get up. Part of him wanted to chase her, but he knew he would never find her. For the rest of that day he just sat on his porch watching the sun set. He sat there thinking of how it all began. He had met Jadie several years earlier through his good friend Frank. Frank always had an eye for beautiful asian women, and Frank’s radar picked her up early. Gregory didn’t know how he missed her. She had worked in his building for years. Frank had convinced her to meet him for drink at a local wine bar, and she was bringing her friend Roxanne so he needed a wingman. Gregory was recently separated from his long time girlfriend so he gladly accepted the invite. Frank knew Gregory had a brief crush on Roxanne years earlier so he thought he was doing Gregory a favor. Really Gregory had lost any attraction for Roxanne the minute he heard her speak, but Frank was unaware of this fact. Curious about who Jadie he asked around the building. Every man seemed to know who she was and this only added to his curiousity. Working in a technical field there weren’t many women in his building, and the few attractive women were always points of discussion during happy hours. For some reason Jadie managed to fly below his radar. Walking into the bar he had no idea his world was about to change.

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