Towards the end of my mothers life I would take her to her doctors appointment. I think of all my siblings she trust me the most to talk to her doctors. It was never a problem for to make time for my mother. It actually gave me a good feeling that she trusted me me enough to depend on me in this way. After her doctors appointments we’d usually go to breakfast. Of all the things I miss this the most. We never had any profound conversations during this time, but still looking back I made a special conscious effort to value this time. I never in my mind thought she would dead in a few years, but I knew I would not have her forever so I thought I would make the most of the time we had together. Usually we would end up at a local Denny’s where she would order off the seniors menu. She’d take great pride in collecting her senior discount. No matter who you are your parents affect your life and the person you are, whether in a positive way or negative way they have an affect. I loved my parents and I sometimes wonder now that they are gone does this influence diminish. I still hear them inside my head, but I does wonder this influence or affect diminish over time? Would I make different choice now that they no longer have a physical presence in my life. Of course certain aspects of my internal dialogue have been shaped by their guidance. We learn certain things from our parents. Whether by example or through their advice, whether by their presence or even absence in some cases, we learn from them. My father died when I was 21. My mother died when I was in my mid-thirties. So I wonder sometimes where would I be, who would I be if my parents were still alive? Part of me thinks besides a few superficial things I would still be the same person at my core. We are who we are and that doesn’t really change. After my mother died I had a few rough years. I did not realize but I stopped caring about the direction of my life. I was just existing and not thinking about the future or the past. This might actually sound like perfect way to live, an almost zen attitude but there was nothing zen about my life during these days. I was angry, selfish, and lost. In the moment I didn’t see anything wrong with the way I was living, but I lacked purpose and drive. Coming out of this hole I realized something. We definitely can not just live for ourselves. We live for each. Our family, our friends, even the strangers we have not crossed paths with yet, we live for them all. In those days I felt I had lost so much and something broke inside. The part of me that cared for those around me faded into nothing. This is why I reminded of the time taking my mother to her doctor’s appointment. Sometimes it was hard to get the time off from work. Sometimes the selfish part of me would think why doesn’t one of my siblings take her since they live much closer than I did at the time, but in the end I always made the time for what ever my mother needed. She had shown me through countless examples over my entire life that you live for each. In fact both my parents sacrificed much of themselves and their own lives for their family and friends. I realize now that in serving others we find something we could never find by ourselves. We find a sense of comfort, a sense of purpose or direction, and a most importantly we find that we are not alone. Ultimately that is what allowed me to pull myself out of that self destructive hole I was in. I learned I was not alone. I was extremely lucky that the world brought someone into my life that proved to me that I was not alone. Just knowing this person exists gives me the strength and hope to over come any obstacle. Maybe one day I will be able to adequately explain why she gives so much peace to my world, but today all I can say is that she is my north star that helped me find home. My parents taught me well during their lives, but occasionally we all get lost and need to be reminded. Life is full of distractions that make it easy to stray from your true direction, and it is so easy to follow your weaknesses. I think or should say hope that we all have that special person in our lives to help us find our “north” when we need it. I pray one day I am lucky enough to return to the word all the inspiration, hope and love she gave me. If I am not I will die trying.

Finding your center in troubled times is always hard. The last few years have been especially dark lonely for me. My mother losing her battle to cancer, and the financial disaster of her dying with no medical insurance. Then there was my relationship with Maria falling apart. On top of everything else there was me losing my home, and my dog dying. I admit I was lost for moment there. Lost in my vices. As someone close to me would eventually confess I was a “hot mess.” I wouldn’t say I had given up, but I was getting comfortable for a long drawn out downward spiral of self destruction. Once in a while, however, when you think the night will never end life takes an unexpected turn and suddenly light turns to dark. In an instant you are reminded of all the beauty in the world. For me this reminder came in the form of a woman. Her name was Ivy, and she will forever be my definition of beauty. I’ve been in love with her since we met, but I’ve never had a chance to give her all my love. I’ve never had a chance to have her fall asleep in my arms, and I have never known what it’s like for her to need me. Maybe I never will. She’s tried to let me down gently and in her most compassionate way told me she not capable of giving me the love I desire. Still something inside pushes me forward and refuses to give up. Maybe I am crazy for listening to this voice inside me that gives me hope against this impossible dream. I’ve tried to date other women, but that never ends well. They all somehow feel like a substitute. In a way all women are ruined for me.

You might ask why am I stuck on her? I know there are literally billions of women out there. Once you’ve seen perfection it’s hard to settle for anything less. My love for her is unconditional, self-less and pure. I guess it doesn’t matter if she looks at me and doesn’t see anything special. The insecurities inside me ask me why I think a woman like her would ever give me a chance. Why would she settle for me when I know I am so far from the man she feels she needs? Do I know what she needs better than she does? I’ve asked myself these questions a thousand times. What really kills me is I’ve seen her lie to herself and waste her time with men I know will never be able to love her like she deserves. I respect her wishes and let hold back the flood of emotions that fill my mind each time out eyes meet. It is exhausting pretending I’m not in love with her. I haven’t even mentioned the worst part. She has become my best friend. Yeah I know I should have ran fast and far when she told me she can return this love I feel. Now I’m in a tough spot. My heart is split right down the middle for her. Half of me is her best friend. I would even go as far and say her soul mate. The other half of me can’t help but get overwhelmed with desire every time our eyes me. So how do I get out of this trap I have set for myself? Sad part is I don’t feel trapped. I still love to love her. Despite this agonizing situation I still find inspiration in her presence.

There she was standing in the door looking as she always did. He did not have the words to describe what he felt when he looked at her. Pure silence was the gift. So much had change over the last few months within his own mind he hardly recognized himself these days. Looking back he wondered why it had taken him so long to get to this point. He retrospection had to wait because Ivy was waiting for him. She was singing a song as she quite often did. The sound of her voice will always be the sweetest sound.

Once Gregory discovered the location of Ivy’s desk he would find excuses to walk by just to catch a glimpse of her. Even it was just a momentary glance of the back of her head it would make his days brighter. Just knowing she was there. Seeing the physical manifestation of what was the center of all things beautiful. Sometimes he would walk the long way to his desk in the morning just to steal a glance. Today he needs more than a stolen moment, he was determined to talk to her. Ivy always started work several hours before anyone on Gregory’s team, so today he woke up 3 hours early just to make sure he’d catch her alone at her desk. Needing an excuse to talk to her he stopped at the local star buck’s and ordered two latte’s. A latte, he thought to himself was safe. The plan was to say that they made a mistake on his order and they gave him an extra cup of coffee. It seemed simple enough and he know from his observations that she drank a morning coffee on a regular basis. Today the day he was going to ask her to lunch. Walking in the door he took a big breath of confidence and proceed to walk down the first floor hallway to her desk. Clearing his thought he said,”Hi, Ivy right?” She replied,”Yes, good morning.” “Would you like a latte, the trainee at Starbucks messed up my order and I ended up with an extra latte this morning.” “Yes, that would be awesome. Thank you,” Ivy quickly responded. “So how’s your week going?” Gregory inquired. “It’s going,” Ivy said as she slowly took her first drink of the latte. Gregory tried not to stare at her lips, but it was a losing battle he was fighting. She was beautiful and the closer he got to her the more real this beauty became. He started fantasizing about her lips, wondering what it would feel like to kiss them. He didn’t want to make his infactuation obvious so he quickly cut to the chase. “I going to try out this new sushi restaurant down the street. Would you like to join me?” Gregory inquired. “Thank you but I brought my lunch today,” Ivy responded. “Ok well let me know if you change your mind,” he said trying to mask his disappointment. Walking back to his desk he consoled himself thinking at least he broke the ice and establish his existence in her mind. She really was quite attractive, maybe too attractive for someone like Gregory. He didn’t really care. He knew this is what most people would think, but he was ok with it. Still despite being a far reach he had to try. He really didn’t understand at this moment why, but he was compelled to get close to her. Once back at his desk it was impossible to stop thinking about her. He was falling fast and they had only shared 20 or so words.bb

Most nights I sit in bed thinking of life past, future and present. I think of my life’s path and the things to come. Eventually I fade into thoughts of Ivy. I meditate on the inspiration she brings to me. I’ve never denied what she makes me feel, and I’ll never deny the fact that she is truly the most beautiful women in my world. It almost hurts to look at her somedays. The beauty I see in her is almost too much to process.