Finding your center in troubled times is always hard. The last few years have been especially dark lonely for me. My mother losing her battle to cancer, and the financial disaster of her dying with no medical insurance. Then there was my relationship with Maria falling apart. On top of everything else there was me losing my home, and my dog dying. I admit I was lost for moment there. Lost in my vices. As someone close to me would eventually confess I was a “hot mess.” I wouldn’t say I had given up, but I was getting comfortable for a long drawn out downward spiral of self destruction. Once in a while, however, when you think the night will never end life takes an unexpected turn and suddenly light turns to dark. In an instant you are reminded of all the beauty in the world. For me this reminder came in the form of a woman. Her name was Ivy, and she will forever be my definition of beauty. I’ve been in love with her since we met, but I’ve never had a chance to give her all my love. I’ve never had a chance to have her fall asleep in my arms, and I have never known what it’s like for her to need me. Maybe I never will. She’s tried to let me down gently and in her most compassionate way told me she not capable of giving me the love I desire. Still something inside pushes me forward and refuses to give up. Maybe I am crazy for listening to this voice inside me that gives me hope against this impossible dream. I’ve tried to date other women, but that never ends well. They all somehow feel like a substitute. In a way all women are ruined for me.
You might ask why am I stuck on her? I know there are literally billions of women out there. Once you’ve seen perfection it’s hard to settle for anything less. My love for her is unconditional, self-less and pure. I guess it doesn’t matter if she looks at me and doesn’t see anything special. The insecurities inside me ask me why I think a woman like her would ever give me a chance. Why would she settle for me when I know I am so far from the man she feels she needs? Do I know what she needs better than she does? I’ve asked myself these questions a thousand times. What really kills me is I’ve seen her lie to herself and waste her time with men I know will never be able to love her like she deserves. I respect her wishes and let hold back the flood of emotions that fill my mind each time out eyes meet. It is exhausting pretending I’m not in love with her. I haven’t even mentioned the worst part. She has become my best friend. Yeah I know I should have ran fast and far when she told me she can return this love I feel. Now I’m in a tough spot. My heart is split right down the middle for her. Half of me is her best friend. I would even go as far and say her soul mate. The other half of me can’t help but get overwhelmed with desire every time our eyes me. So how do I get out of this trap I have set for myself? Sad part is I don’t feel trapped. I still love to love her. Despite this agonizing situation I still find inspiration in her presence.