Chasing the light, reaching for the stars I try to find reasons to love.
Not sure whether I am flying or falling my hands trace the fading streams you leave across the sky.

Lost I find what I am looking for in your silent forgotten dreams.
Living in the shadows watching the stars fall my eyes leave me blind, but in this darkness, in this blindness I find my truth, I find you.

I wish you where here filling my mind with light, chasing falling stars with me. If you were here do you think you could see me?

Now that tomorrow is yesterday I have learned to love the confusion. I have learned to dance in the light of the falling stars singing your name. This world will never change, you should know it doesn’t have to change. Please say my name and give me a reason to love.

Waking Up Before the Sun

All my favorite people wake up before the sun. Looking back it has to all start with my father. He worked hard everyday of his life. He was a truck drive so most day he was up at least by 5 a.m. He wore a digital timex watch and this was his alarm clock. During the summer months my mother would drive him to work. This wasn’t out of necessity, but the hours he worked were long and it left very few hours in the day for my mother and father to spend together. He was always working, and she was busy running the household and raising our family. Being off on summer break I would often join my parents on the drive to my father’s work. Some days he would work in Long Beach, and occasionally he would work out of Irwindale. He drove a Concrete Truck. The trucks with the huge spinning barrels you see on the freeway. Some of my best childhood memories are of these huge trucks. I loved my father and the sacrifices he made for us, and because of his early work schedule I now admire the virtue of rising before the sun. I wouldn’t go as far as to say that only the virtuous in the world start their day before the sun, but there is something in these people that sets them apart. I think I could safely say that most of this demographic would have a strong work ethic. Don’t get me wrong I enjoy sleeping in myself, but I feel there is something sinful about sleeping away the morning hours. There is something special almost sacred about these hours of the early dawn. The air feels different, the sky is reborn new not yet stain with the pollution of everyone’s daily commute, and every corner of the world is full of possibilities. I sometimes forget to value this time. For a large portion of my adult life I was not what you would call an early riser. My eyes would open early, but I would somehow always convince myself to stay in bed another 10 minutes. 10 minutes would turn into 15 then 30. It was until later in life that I met someone that reminded me of the virtues of the early morning. Her name was Jadie. Jadie somehow always gets up early even is she stays up late. Not sure how she does it. Personally there are times I find it exhausting just trying to keep up with her, but I try and in trying I somehow feel connected to my Dad again. I haven’t been consistent in my pursuit of the early morning. Jadie would agree that consistency is my great nemesis in life. I am learning I need to recommit myself on a daily basis to all my goals.

Just Another Work Day

A day in the life of a “knowledge worker” isn’t anything to complain about. Mind numbing meetings, projects that never end, and insatiable clients who never know what they want. This morning I’m dealing with all three. A mind numbing project regarding a project that never ends with an insatiable client. This project was what we called our Supplier Portal project, it should have ended a year and half ago but as always there were last minute changes that never seem to be quite complete. This morning we are talking about whether the buttons on the online forms should be titled “Submit” or “Save.” Walking in I’m surprised to see a full house. I take one of the only two vacant seat and settle in for an hour of brain cell killing discussions about these buttons. I am about to check out when I hear a quiet soft voice from behind me. “Excuse me can I sit here,” the voice says. “Be my guest, no one is sitting here,” I replied without looking up from my laptop. As I lift my head to turn to see who it is I suddenly felt like I was hit by freight train. It’s her, Ivy. “Hi, how have you been,” I inquire. “Do you know what this meeting is about,” She asked. Doing my best to hold back my jaded comments I say, “Today we are discussing aspects of the User Experience.” “I think I just made this meeting sound more than what it is. By User experience I mean we are discussing buttons. What they should be titled and what color they should be,” I continue. “Wow all these people just for that one little thing,” Ivy replied. “Sadly yes,” I say with a laugh. Finally the meeting starts. I occasionally chime in when my professional opinion is needed, but really most of my mind was occupied with this beautiful woman sitting next to me. Maybe I am just infatuated at this moment but every move, every word, every breath she takes is a wonderful gift to me. She is an amazing creature. Watching her take notes I notice her perfect handwriting. Perfect is not a word I use often, but it’s the only word I can think of to describe what I see when I look at her. I know my friend is into her, and will probably end up dating her but somehow my heart knows her already. It’s the strangest feeling. It feels like I was made to love this women. I know I don’t really know her yet, and definitely sounds cliche but I feel like I have always known her. I never want this meeting to end. She is definitely an angel sent from a heaven I never knew existed. I do my best not to stare but this is an exercise in futility. I could go on for hours about the beautiful details I see in this meeting, like the way she purses her lips to the right side her mouth as she wrestles with a thought. Then there is that smile. Oh god that smile. It could light up the world. She would definitely think I am crazy if she could hear my thoughts, and most people would agree. Somehow I know I am not crazy. I can’t explain it but she is the one I have been waiting for all my life. Now how do I convince her that I am the one for her. Maybe I can’t convince her. I just hope she sees it as clearly as I do. The meeting is over so I get up and make an excuse to walk her to her desk. “You sit on the first floor, right?” I ask. Really I don’t need to ask. I have walked by her desk countless times. I know exactly where she sits. I could find her desk blindfolded. “I will walk with you. My next meeting is down there.” I say trying not to her see through my lie. “So how long have you been working here,” I ask as we walk towards the stairs. “Next month will be two year,” she replies. Two years? How have I not seen her before? I am not sure how but I have missed her for almost two year. For over 700 days she sitting, working and breathing in the same building and some how I have missed her. I can beat myself up later. Now I need to focus on her. Walking down the stairs I ask,”So what do you think of this place now after two years?” “It’s a job. It is funny the things we spend our time on,” she comments. “Yes I know. This isn’t the real world. We are almost a government entity, and with that being said this place runs on a special kind of logic. The same kind of logic Alice found when she went through the looking glass,” I say no even trying to hold back my laughter. “But hey we have excellent benefits,” I add. “Ok talk to you later,” Ivy says as we approach her desk. “Ok I will see you later. It’s been a pleasure,” I say as I walk to my imaginary meeting. Walking down the hall I can’t stop smiling. The world is amazing again. I understand what the man who invented or I should say discover fire felt. Walking up the stairs I start thinking about my next move. What excuse can I find to initiate the next contact? Maybe lunch. Anyway time to do some research and ask around about her. If I am going to move forward I need to do some recon and find out more about her. As I approach my desk I see the red light on my phone flashing. Perfect. It’s my friend Erik. He knows every woman in the building. Well he may not know them personally but he definitely will know who Ivy is and should have some useful information.

Cliff Walk

She walked along the cliffs, making her way through a grass path, watching the waves crash over the jagged rocks below as the sunset faded into an array of oranges, reds and purples. The beautiful blue sky slowly dying into the night sky. The clouds, the incoming tide, the birds, the sunset it was all beautiful, but still it was just a back drop for her smile. She floated through it all, as graceful as the passing clouds, loving it all with her eyes, kissing it with her soul. Her bare feet glided through the grass as she made her way to a patch of blooming wildflowers. The wind played with her sundress and pulled it tight against her body as she made her way to the edge of the cliff. I tried to follow her but an invisible force from deep inside held me back. Maybe somewhere inside I knew I didn’t belong in this perfect picture. Instead I just sat watching this beautiful world unfold with each step. I just sat watching her redefine beauty with each breath. Eventually the sun disappear beyond the horizon, swallowed up by the earth. Just as I saw the first star shed it’s light she turned to me and with a silent glance gave me enough love for a lifetime. I know it’s greedy to want more, but I do. I always will. I always have, but for today I will settle for this one moment knowing that I am closer to heaven than I have ever been.

Bar Talk

It was a long day at work. I had enough of my horrible boss, and the mind numbing ignorance of this corporate environment. It was definitely time for a drink. Erik was still online so I quickly sent him an instant message before signing off. “Time for a drink” was all that was needed. I didn’t even wait for a reply I knew it was more than enough to convince him. After all it was Wednesday and a little liquid courage never hurt to help us get through the week. Traffic was light since it was barely 5pm. I made it to our favorite restaurant/bar in just under 10 minutes. “Welcome,” the hostess greeted as I walked through the door. I politely smiled and pointed to the bar as I walked past her. I scanned the bar and didn’t see Erik so I grabbed our usual table and sat down. The bar was empty so it took the waitress less than a minute to make her way to my table. “Long Island?,” she asked. “Of course,” I replied. We were regulars at this place, enough so that the staff knew our orders without asking. I guess on some level I should feel bad about spending that much time in a bar, but screw it this place keeps me sane these days. Erik is usually the one waiting for me. I occupied myself by people watching. I love finding someone at the bar and trying to imagine their back story. For example there is an older man alone at the bar. He had a bad tattoo on his right bar, and a scar on his left forearm. He was dressed in blue jeans and a plain white t-shirt with a gold chain. His hands looked worn and calloused. He was probably in early 60’s. Maybe a vietnam vet? Judging by the visible black grease lodged under his nails he could be a diesel mechanic. He was hispanic so he is probably catholic. Married 20 or more years. Two to three kids. He probably drives a pick up truck that is at least eight to ten years old. So why is he here so early and alone? Let’s see, what could it be. Probably meeting an old war buddy to watch the game, or possibly a mistress. We all have stories and I just find it amazing that each person that I see walk through that door has a millions of preceding events that got them there. We truly are the sums of our experiences. It’s what makes us all unique and I find magic in this fact. I was just about to finish my first drink when I noticed Erik walking in. “What’s up fucker?”, he asked. “Just living the dream,” I said as I laughed. Really I called him out to vent about Ivy. He was good at listening and although he never gave me any profound advice that I didn’t already know it sometimes helped me to verbalize my thoughts. To Ivy was on my mind. Loving her is exhausting at times. At this point I am stuck in a holding pattern. Unable to move on, and unsure as to what my next move should be. I understand if I’ve been very clear about my desire to love her, and she never once gave me a chance to realize this desire. Common sense tells me she does not feel the same and I should just walk away. This I get. I am not in denial, but there is something deep inside me that keeps me here waiting. At this point I have come to realize there are two possibilities. Either I’m completely insane and in total denial, or what I feel is real and despite what she says there is something there. I know no one can help me figure out the mystery except myself. Erik is of the opinion that I should find some other woman to have cheap emotionless sex with to help me move on, but I can not do it. As far as I am concerned no other women exists except for Ivy. She has ruined me and this condition is definitely terminal.

Rain Clouds

It was a cold grey morning. A storm had moved in over night. It was the kind of morning that makes you want to stay in bed an extra hour and listen to the rain drops fall. Unfortunately I could stay in bed today. There was a lot to do and not much time. My mind racing about the coming day I jumped out of bed and started my day. As usual thoughts of Ivy filled my head. It’s seems loving her pushes me in direction. Forward, always forward. I had lied to her and promised to move on, but really there is no way my heart could stop loving her. Traffic was light for a raining day. I had to get to the office before her. Pulling into the parking lot I felt a sense of relief as I scanned the parking lot for her car. She wasn’t in yet. I didn’t have a lot before she arrived so I quickly locked my car and made my way to her desk. My morning was booked with meetings, but I wanted to drop off my letter before Ivy or any of her teammates arrived. I really wanted to say some of these things to her in person, but I know she would never stand still to hear it all. I have tried to lay it all on the line and be honest about what I needed before, but she was an expert at evasive action. I left the envelope on her keyboard. As I walked away part of me wishes I could keep walking out of the building and just disappear. Really I knew none of my thoughts or words would change anything. She always had a way of seeing right through me. I never tried to hide my true intentions. I doubt I was even capable of disguising my desire to love her completely. The morning flew by as time does when you want it to slow. I didn’t bother to check my phone or email for any type of response. She always was slow to respond to me. Waiting drives me crazy, but I’ve learned to quiet my thoughts and be still. I know her silence meant those wheels were turning. They are always turning. Any other women would drive me crazy in this situation. Frustration and anger would be my normal response, but with Ivy it was always different. As expected her response came on my drive home. Nervous anticipation flood my brain as I picked up my phone. 

Lost at Sea

Lost at sea, no land in sight. That’s where you found me laughing in the moonlight without a name. I saw my reflection in the shadows of your broken heart.

The tide brought me to you. I learned to laugh and love in your waters. They crashed into me with every thought, with every breath, with every beat, rolling, advancing, receding, always moving in impossible ways. These unstoppable tides come and go leaving broken hearts and minds in those who challenged their impossible ways.

The moonlight followed me yesterday, but will it follow me as I dive into the depths of these dangerous waters. Is the storm in my mind strong enough to build you heaven? What will tomorrow be without the pain of yesterday? How many stars do I have to cross before I reach your shores?

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