Chapter 3 – Broken Hearts

Almost everyone has felt heart break at least one, myself included. For me it’s been three. For me she was the third, but this time was different. I knew from at first sight she was destined to hurt me. Not because she was cruel or indifferent in anyway, I just knew some how she was beyond my reach. The beauty and grace that surrounded her would intimidate any man. For me it was like looking at a distant star knowing impossible spans of time and space separate kept us apart. So why did I try, why at this very moment have I not given up. Logic and reason tell me otherwise, but I know there is something inside.


Today I am thankful for some many things. For my amazing parents, my loving family, my amazing friends, and all the great memories this life given me. I know I am truly lucky. I have a very long list of things to be thankful for, but at the very top of this long list will always be this beautiful, compassionate, intelligent, inspiring, brave, tenacious, and gentle creature named Jadie. Today I want to tell you thank you for so many reasons. Thank you for saving me from myself. Thank you for helping me get up when I did not deserve it. Thank you for reminding me that this world is overflowing with beauty. Thank you for giving me reasons to look at the stars. Thank you for giving me the passion to chase my dreams. Thank you for giving me the strength to make those dreams come true, but most of all thank you for your love. Your love is the warm blanket that keeps safe on those cold night. You love is the wind that makes my thoughts fly. You are my favorite sound, you are my favorite word, and you are even my favorite smell (and no thats not creepy). I know and you know I am not perfect and I know better than to promise you perfection, but I can promise you that I will be always be here giving everything my heart has to love you and suppport you through it all till the end (and maybe beyond that). I promise you to never stop dreaming and working hard to be the man we both know I should be. I promise to give you strenght when you feel weak, and to make you laugh when you forget to smile. I promise to prove to you that you are not a fool for loving me. I promise you that you will always be thankful for the day we met. I could go on a thousand pages so let me try to summaries my sentiments in the shortest, sweetest way I can think of…Thank you for being the missing pieces of my heart.



The Simple Truth of Clouds

So here is the simple truth that you will never know.
Catching a cloud is not that hard. Holding impossible moments without breathing, loving without knowing will only leave you deeper. Your secrets teach me nothing I don’t already know.

Here is the simple truth I need you to feel.
At the start of the storm the end was already near, but that never stopped me from trying. Facts and fiction blend into unreal magical moments alive with nothing more than your shadow chasing my thoughts into tomorrow.

Here is the truth I need you believe.
These winds will guide you to where you know you need to be. The storm that lives in your heart calls my name, it calls me everyday, and I will chase it to the end.

Here is the final truth that you will never know. Catching clouds are not that hard, only if you stop trying.

Monday – Chapter 2

She obviously caught my eye. I knew she was special right from the start, and all I wanted was to get closer. Somethings you just know, somethings just feel right, and loving her was one of those things. The following Monday she was on my mind. Looking back I am not sure I knew what I was doing when I sent her that instant message.There was a gravity to her pulling me in, pulling me home. I wasn’t sure how to open this conversation so I just sent her a generic “Hi.” She responded, “Hi”. I asked, “Is this you?” I never got her last name, but I knew her first name, luckily it was unique enough to be the only one in our company. She apparently recognized my name enough to respond, “Yes this is me.” I asked about her last name since it was also unique and I have never seen it before. I inquired as how to pronounce it. That was it, from there our conversations have always flowed. I still don’t know how to explain our connection only that it is natural and meant to be. From there our friendship quickly grew. Looking back at our early conversation I was an open book almost to a scary level. I am still not sure why she didn’t run for the hills. Any sane person would have immediately pursued a restraining order. The only explanation is that she felt the same love and deep connection I felt. She was an early riser and I quickly morphed to the same so I could spend early morning virutally with her chatting about everything from our childhoods to the weather. She was fascinating with so many great stories, and again she would fight me on this point. There is nothing I love on this earth I love more our conversations. She always leaves me wanting more. Moderation is something not easy with her. Really she was a godsend for me. I met her during the aftermath of one of the most loniess times of my life. My mother has just recently died, and my relationship with my high school sweet heart had disintegrated in a horrible angry mess. One could easily say this connection with Jadie was a self created delusion due to the troubled times, but some deep part of tells me otherwise. Eventually after about a week of initial conversations she invited me to go hiking on a Sunday morning. I was living alone in my house at the time having recently separated from my long-time girlfriend. I was excited to see her outside of work. I was familiar with several hiking trails near my house so I asked her to meet at one of the local trailheads., Unfortunately I went out with my cousin the night before and over drank. I still remembering the horrible sound of my phone ringing that morning. It was her and it was 15 minutes past our agreed meeting time. I answered and she immediately said, “Joseph I’m going home.” I convinced her to wait just a few more minutes pleading, “Give me five minutes and I will be there.” Sadly this would be not the last time I disappointed her. Luckily she somehow feels I am worth the trouble because as I am writing this sentence she still has not given up on me. It is sad that I see her completely, but I have never given her the chance to see me completely.

The story of my life – Chapter One

She is the story of my life and the object of my purest affection, but before I get into the details of my story I need you to first meet her. She’s beautiful, but not because her obvious physical qualities, which by themselves are exquisite, but because within seconds of meeting her you realize a heart like her is why the world spins. She is the strongest most gentle creature I will ever know. Her compassion could melt the poles and her heart is not afraid of anything (anything except love, which is the paradox of her life,but we will get into later). She is kind of women that can talk to anyone, whether it be at an opera or the local dive bar. She moves and breathes with an accessible divine sophistication that is impossible to resist. Her countless charms are never ending. Her heart is tenaciously fierce and never stops when it comes to defending something she loves. Incredibly despite her all this beauty and wonder she still has never forgets the roots of her humble childhood. Although being asian she grew up in a predominantly hispanic neighborhood in urban Los Angeles, affectionately called Dogtown by its inhabitants. This multi-cultural urban upbringing just adds to the infinite facets of her allure. I have known her for years and still are caught off guard by her unique talents or taste, such as her affinity for michelada’s. Sadly this beautiful soul suffered at a young age and because of these trouble time her eyes she everything through a shade a sadness, skewing her perception of herself and the world. I can only hope and pray one day someone will be able to lift her shade of sadness and bring to her the undefinable irresistible beauty she brings to everyone she touches. Over the past few years she has become my best friend. Really I have recognized her to be more than this, she is my soul mate. I never really believed in this term “soul mate” until I met her. To me it was the stuff of fairy tales and children’s bed time stories, but that all changed the first time I met her. It was an interesting night, I was in the middle of the disintegration of my twenty year relationship, and I was playing wing man for my friend. One of my good friends was interested in her and I was there to play wingman for him. She was bringing along a friend I had been casually attracted to so I figured what the hell a night out might do me good. The night started uneventfully at a local wine bar with the usual casual conversations of a first date, but within the first few minutes something inside woke up. Something ancient that had lied within in me dormant my entire life. Our conversation flowed with the cadence of life long friends. The troubles of the world floated away and even the two other people at our table greyed out. To be honest I don’t remember much of the night except her, and our first dance. She wanted to dance, unfortunately the band was playing brown eyed girl by Van Morrison. This song was drenched in memories of my ex-girlfriend at the time. In that moment I started believing in magic. Once dance and she wiped away that bad memory. That was day one, June 22, and since then I haven’t been the same. Knowing her has seemed like one long day. Its always been hard for me to trace our timeline because I feel deep down inside parts of me have always known her. She actually was a co-worker and had worked in the same building for several years, and despite having numerous common acquaintances some how our paths had never crossed. This may sound crazy to you, and I know she thinks I’m crazy, but I dreamed about her years before we met. I still remember the dream like it was last night. It was only silhouettes clouded by shadows, but I remember it vividly. Her silky dark hard, smooth skin, the elegant lines of her face and those eyes, those beautiful warm brown eyes. Here eyes are really the most beautiful thing about her. If you are ever close enough to really look into them you will feel what I am talking about. They cover you in a warm soft glow, it’s what I imagine heaven gates to feel like. If she could hear me now she’d tell me I’m blind, but I know I am not everything I know, everything I am knows she is trully beautiful. I see her, and maybe its true the heart sees what is blind to the eye, but I see her she is perfect, loveable, and completes the universe for me. I’ve never seen or felt anything so perfectly as I do her.

Moments of Silence

I know we will get past this…You’re still my soulmate. I really want you to be happy. There is no jealousy in my heart. I really just want to be a part of each other’s lives. I’m sorry if the way I look at you scares you, but that is me being in the moment. When I look at you what you see is just happiness that you’re my best friend and I found someone that understands me. What you see is happiness that I don’t ever have to feel alone again because I found my best friend. What you see is pure affection and appreciation for a rare connection that most people never find. When I say I love you I mean it in every sense of the word. I have no selfish thoughts or emotions in the love I have for you. I hope to have a chance to prove this to you. What you saw that night was not a jealous lover, but an over protective soulmate. You’re part of my heart just like I’m part of yours. I know how special your heart is and I get scared at the prospect of you getting hurt. Yes I will always be in love with who you are but it will never be defined in the traditional sense, and it’s beyond the constraints of what most people can understand. I know it is a very strong emotion and I am strong enough to find that balance that I know I need to move forward. Please know that I will always be here for you in all the right and wrong decisions. Throughout our lives we will have our triumphs and our falls. I want to be a part of both. I want to be there to share your moments of joy and I want to be there to catch you or help you get up when you fall. I know we will get through this I just want you to know all I want is a chance to be part of your heart, to continue to be your best friend, and to make some really great memories with the time we both have left in this world. I love you J…

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