Chaos To My Thoughts

Your eyes always tell me a story one your lips can’t repeat.
Give me a reason to fight the shadows of what I can’t say.
I don’t know why, but I’m still surprised by the chaos of these thoughts.

Right from the start I understood.
Page one your reminded me.
Each moment I steal gives me reason to fight this storm.
Reasons to remember…
Reasons to steal back heaven.

Give me a reason…
And I will try to forget.
Give me a reson to get lost in the echoes of this madness.
And I promise I listen to your silence.

Just one true reason and I will let my thoughts take me back to beginning.
Please give me a reason to stop chasing chaos.
Just give me a reason and I will stop getting lost in the stars.

Chapter 3 – The Project

The next morning Edward was awaken by excited by the thoughts of his new project. The company was expanding their portfolio and moving into the arena of clean energy. Jack had made Edward the lead on a new solar project in Nevada, and for the first time in a long time Edward felt like he could make a difference. Edward never really felt at home in a large corporation. He actually enjoyed writing. In college he studied architecture and literature, but somehow fell into the world of technology. He was always technical and had a natural aptitude for the technical world, but .never really felt fulfilled in his role at the corporation. If this new project was successful the bonus he’d receive would allow him take a sabbatical form his corporate job and finally finish the novel he started in college. The new project dealt with experimental solar panels and if successful would put the company on the forefront of clean energy. Early testing showed promising results. Edward was responsible for the technical integration. Despite his excitement Edward had a hard time forgetting about Jack’s visit to his mother. “What is he after?” Edward wondered. This thought occupied Edward’s mind all morning. Well at least until he walked into his office and was surprised to see Ana sitting at his desk. Ana was looking through Edward’s notes regarding the new project. “Really Edward. Jack gave you complete control of this project and this is the team you want?” “What wrong with the people I picked?”, Edward said as he pulled his notebook out of Ana’s hands. “Well first of all I don’t see my name anywhere on this project. You know you’ll need someone with my development experience,” Ana said as she pulled Edward close the her. She was still sitting in Edward’s chair and this brought her face about six inches from Edward’s crouch. “I really enjoy working under you,” Ana said as she slide her hands slowly up Edward’s inner thigh. “Stop it. I do not want any unnecessary distractions on this project. This new technology has the potential to be big, and I have been meaning to talk about this thing we’ve been doing. I think we need a break.” Edward said sternly as he quickly grabbed Ana’s wrist and firmly placed them back in her lap. “Distraction’s is that what I am to you Edward?” “Knock knock. Am I interrupting something?” It was Jack. “No nothing that can’t wait,” Edward as he politely motioned Ana towards the door. “Morning Jack. Edward and I were just discussing the resource plan for the new solar project, but we can finish this at lunch.”

As Ana walked out the door Jack let his eyes fall down to her ass, “You having fun with that Edward?” “She is definitely a handful,” Edward said as he docked his laptop. “Just give me a moment to pull up the spreadsheet with the numbers for the new project Jack.” “No need Edward I trust you. I actually came here to ask you if you would mind if I invited you mother to our company offsite next week?” “I’m not sure my mother would enjoy the atmosphere, and besides don’t we have a full agenda.” “Edward I just think she would enjoy seeing spending sometime with her son. Last week she mentioned she hardly sees you anymore.” “Jack I appreciate your concern, but I don’t think she would be interested.” “Well just ask her, see what she says.” “Ok I will ask her.” With that Jack walked out. For the next few hours Edward reviewed the research documents and estimates from the companies R&D department. As Jack walked out of Edward’s office he paused and turned two steps to the door. “Oh one more thing Edward, we are getting you some help with this new project. We just hired on new body on. He’ll be a great help on the technical implementation.” “What? Help? Why would you think..?” Edward said in a surprised tone. “I know you don’t think you need help, but this guy is really good. He’s new to the company and this project will be great for him to get his feet wet.” “Jack I don’t really need any help.” “I know Edward but you will be helping me on this one. I really want to get this guy up to speed and no one knows this company like you. At least meet him before you make up your mind.” “Ok Jack I will meet him. What’s his name?” “His name is Liam. We hired him from one of our UK affiliates.” “Ok I will give him a shot,” Edward said with a sigh. The truth was that Edward had already judged this guy. “Liam?”, he thought with a laugh. “He probably rowed crew in college, play criket and wears a sweater over his shoulders. A typical Ivy league douchebag,” Edward thought to himself. Edward had this new guy weighed and measured just off his name.

“Ready for me?” Ana said in an unusually sweet voice. Edward knew this was Ana’s “I need something voice.” “Actually I have to reschedule Ana. Some of these numbers do not add up and I need to call our new vendor to see if these documents are out dated.” “Ok dinner you are buying me dinner then.” “Ok, fine. Now please let me work.” Edward replied.

“Drinks?” an instant message flashed on Edwards screen. It was 4:58 PM. Edward didn’t not have to even look at the contact info to know it was from Derik. It was Thursday, their regular happy hour night where they vented and lamented on the emptiness of corp life and their golden handcuffs. “Shutting down in five,” Edward quickly typed.

Chapter 2 – Home Again

“Good bye Gretchen, please don’t work to late. I’m off to see my mother.” “Goodbye Edward. I’d take the back elevator if I was you. I heard Ana is on a rampage today and is not happy about the changes you made to the scope of the project.” “Thanks Gretchen. Her bark is worse than her bite,” Edward said with a smile. Edward wasn’t afraid of Ana, but he knew any run in with Ana would delay him at least 30 minutes and he really wanted to see his mother. In a way he felt sorry for her. He thought it must be horrible to live in a state that was two seconds from anger. Edward walked with a quiet quickness cadence to the back of the office, past the storage room, to the freight elevator. His mind had already left the office and was mentally preparing for the visit with his mother. Edward loved his mother, but the years after his father’s death left her a broken version of herself. She was still a loving mother who never forgot a birthday, or holiday. In fact she still gave Edward a Easter basket even now, and Christmas stocking . The issue was in her role as head of the family. Edward being the most responsible sibling she leaned on him heavily and in some cases unnecessarily. Edward’s father left his wife with a very generous pension, but some how she was always short of money and neglected many of her bills. Instead she donated much of her time and money to the local church and other family members. Because of this Edward always had some apprehension when visiting his mother. He really wished he could just visit his mother without hearing about someone else’s trouble or having to deal with some financial obligation his mother neglected. Regardless Edward was always there for his mother no matter the need. “I only have one mother, and she is doing the best she can,” he would remind himself before walking through the front door. Edward pulled up and noticed an black sedan in the driveway with company plates. “Oh great, what is Jack doing here,” Edward thought to himself as he stepped out of his truck. “Hi mom.” “Hi son. Guess who is here?”, Edward’s asked as she gave Edward a kiss on the cheek. As Edward’s eye’s adjusted to the darkness of his mother’s house, he made out a male figure standing in the doorway of the kitchen. It was Jack. “Hey Jack. Long time now see.” “Hello Edward. I just thought I’d stop by to and visit your mother. It been a long time, and I thought it was shame I only see your mother at weddings and funerals.” “Smells great mom, what are you cooking?” Edward asked as he took off his jacket and placed it carefully on the arm of his mother’s couch. Edward’s mother as all mother’s loved to feed her son, and even though she always used to much grease and left Edward with a bad case of heart burn Edward always looked forward to her cooking. “Are you staying for dinner Jack?” Edward asked as he lift the top of a large pot on the stove. “No I have to get going. I am leaving to Utah tomorrow to inspected our new power plant and need to finish up some work.” “Well it was nice seeing outside of the office. Good luck in Utah,” Edward tried to hide relief over Jack’s departure. Edward never really knew why, but he never trusted Jack around his mother. Jack was never disrespectful when he was around Edward’s mother, but there was something about the tone of Jack’s voice when he visited. There was an insincerity to his words and action. Jack and Edward’s father were colleagues in the early days of the corporation and long time friends. Edward’s father was forced to retire early because of the cancer, and despite their long time friendship Jack never visited his father in the hospital. Edward always thought this was odd, but his father’s condition progressed so quickly there was never a right moment to bring it up. Jack wasn’t the type to feel guilt. Edward had watched Jack negotiate and navigate the corporate world for years and he never showed any signs of a conscious. Even a few year’s back when Jack’s own mother came down with a terminal illness he seemed almost bothered when he had to cancel the corporation’s yearly off site trip to the Cayman Island’s to plan her funeral. So now that suddenly Jack actually cared to see check in on Edward’s mother just seemed beyond strange. “So what did Jack want Mom?,” Edward inquired as he set the table for their dinner. “Oh nothing he just wanted to see how I was doing.” “That’s strange he never cared before Dad died.” “Be nice Edward. Jack has had issues with personal relationship’s. Maybe now that he older he is seeing things differently. People can change Edward.” “Yeah maybe.” Edward didn’t want to waste anymore time talking about Jack so he changed the subject. “So I was thinking I am going to make some time this summer to work on Dad’s old truck. I promised him I would get it running one day.” “Let’s eat first Son, I told Father Killeen I would help teach tonight’s teen bible study,” she said as she place two large pieces of meatloaf on Edward’s plate. “I really wish you would take some time for yourself. Maybe go on a date one day. I worry about you Mom. It not good you spend so much time alone in this house.” “I’m not alone I have my children.” Not wanting to argue Edward ate his meatloaf and change their conversations to superficial topics about his workday and the weather. After dinner he drove his mother to church for her bible study class, and returned to his family home to have a look at his father’s old truck. The garage door opened with more than a little resistance, the rusty hinges making a large screech, and as the door opened he could see the rays of the evening sun burn through the heavy dust as it illuminated this father’s truck. There it sat, a 1958 Apache Chevy truck, dark green with cloud like patches on the each door. As a child Edward always wondered why there were clouds painted on the door, but he realized now this was a service truck of some type and before selling it the previous owner painted over the companies name and logo with white spray paint. The garage was packed with boxes of long forgotten items. It took sometime to arrange the boxes before Edward was able to open the driver side door, but eventually he worked his way from the front of the truck to the side door. “God my mother is a pack rat,” Edward said to himself as he made a mental note to call Goodwill to pick up some of this clutter. He worked into the night clearing space and sorting through boxes of his families memories.

Chapter 1 – Sunrise Part Two

“So did you order?” Edward asked as he sits down. “No I haven’t, but the Chef says they have some Blue Fin toro that I have to try.” “Yeah I’m sure he wants you to try his toro.” “Stop it all men do not want to sleep with me.” “Whatever, Ivy you are so naive sometimes.” The two sat silently as they scanned the order sheet. Ivy quickly marked the sheet with 6 different sashimi and rolls. “Wow, fatty! You weren’t kidding about being hungry,” Edward laughed as he handed the order sheet to the waitress. “Shut up I didn’t eat breakfast,” Ivy defended. “Hey I love a woman who can eat. Nothing is more sexy.” Edward wasn’t kidding about that. He loved that Ivy was real and never tried to be anything else but who she was. He just wished the women he dated could take a lesson from Ivy. Their items quickly arrived. He always enjoyed watching Ivy eat. He tried not to be to obvious in his stares because he knows how neurotic and self-concious she can get. Watching her meticulously prepare each piece of fish before she skillfully put it in her mouth he tried to articulate in his thoughts why he enjoyed meals with her so much. It was the way she surrendered herself to her appetite and did it with such deliberate grace. Ivy and Edward shared a unique understanding that they never found in anyone else. Surprisingly they never explored any romantic possibilities. Maybe it was because the timing was always off. Maybe it’s because sometimes you are blind to the obvious if it’s too close. Their meal was over faster than Edward would have liked. “Ok time to get back. I have to finish the resource planning for my new project. The new financial analyst on my project is waiting for the numbers. I never worked with her but I hear she is a real a-type personality. You know the type. She probably arranges her sock drawer by color,” Edward joked as he grabbed the bill from Ivy’s hand. “What are you doing?” she asked. “You know I hate when you try to pay for my meals,” Edward replied. “Always trying to steal my manhood.” Edward quickly signed the bill and the two walked back to the office.

As Edward stepped out of the elevator he could hear Gretchen, his assistant, talking to Ana. Ana sounded irritated, which was her normal mode of communication when she wasn’t talking to someone who didn’t have something she wanted. “Well do you know when he will be back?” Ana inquired. “I don’t know, but his afternoon is fully booked,” Gretchen said without looking up from her monitor. “Is this person bothering you Gretchen” Edward asked as he handed Gretchen a stack of legal sized papers. “Here is the presentation for this afternoon. Can you make 20 copies? Oh, and here by the way I stopped at that bakery down the street on my way back from lunch and picked up one of those muffins you like.” “Thank you Edward,” Gretchen said with a sigh of relief. “Ana would you be so kind as to step in my office,” Edward said with a wink to Gretchen.

Edwards office was reflection of the inside of his mind. There were a line of rocks on his desk from his favorite travel destinations. A sandstone from Zion, a smooth beach stone from San Simeon, and pavement stone from Prague. Along the wall was photos of favorite family moments. His high school graduation with his father, the picture of the first house he bought, and all his family dogs. The bookshelf of his office was litter with random books he felt best represented his intellect. A book on Zen Buddhism, an edition of the Kama sutra, a bio-chemistry book, a book on Frank Lloyd write, and a plethora of technical books on web development and various internet related topics. His office was on the top floor of the building. Jack had leased a building in the trendy section of the Arts District in Los Angeles. In Edward’s youth this area was full was not a nice place. Twenty years ago his drive to work would have taken him through a different world. Today it’s home to billion dollar starts ups, gastro pubs and trendy establishments infested by hipsters. On a clear day from his window you could see the silhouette of Catalina and the tall of downtown Long Beach. To the west you could see Staples center and the Los Angeles Convention center. If Edward looked directly below, he could see skid row and the lines of lost souls and mentally ill as they lined up for their daily meals and the free medical clinic. Edward tried to refrain from looking to the West Side. Being born and raised in Southern California he always viewed the west side as an artificial superficial bastardization representation of what his city really was, full of mid-west transplants and the pretentious upper class. Edward grew up in a lower middle upper class household. His parent came from lower class roots, and his childhood was infused by stories of this base. Instead of looking to the Los Angeles the worldEdward always looked east to the neighborhoods of his childhood. The east side is never the Los Angeles you see in movies, but for Edward it was home to all the great memories of his life. His first kiss, his elementary and high school, the hospital where his father died, the church where all his families funerals and weddings, the projects where his father and mother met, and the neighborhood streets where he played with Ivy. This was home, this was the city he loved, this is where the people he loved lived and died.

“Ana why are you do live insist on living your life in a constant state of confrontation with every living thing that crosses your path. Were you Genghis Khan in a former life?” Edward said with his signature smirk. “Shut up Edward.” Ana never had a reply to Edward’s witty retorts. Edward always took this as a sign of their essential incompatibility. From the start he knew this wasn’t the one. She lacked the compassion Edward craved in a mate. Being in his thirties Edward was more aware of what he needed in a mate, and Ana was definitely not the source of this satisfaction. “Have you decided on a direction for Jack’s new initiative?” Ana inquired in her usually aggressive fashion. Her inquiries always felt infused with accusation and contempt. He contemplated on this fact often. The only consoling thought he could settle on was the sex. At least the sex was good and she was a warm body to keep his bed warm. Edward was never one to be selfish when it came to matters of the heart, but he knew Ana only viewed him as prop on the stage of his life. “Ana why don’t you concentrate on your own projects, I will handle this one.” “I just don’t want you slowing me down, my new project has dependencies on your project. If we don’t get the new system implemented on time I will have to adjust my timelines.” “Don’t worry Ana I will affect your precious timelines.” “Ok bye Edward. You have already made me late for my two o’clock,” Ana said in a contemptous tone. As she walked out Edward smirked and found a guilty satisfaction thinking of how despite domineering her day time persona is she was quite submissive in bed. 

Shattered Moments of Truth

If you could see what I see…
If you could feel what I feel…
Would it be right?
I try not to get lost in your thoughts so I push it down.

Images pass through my eyes silently…
I understand, I see your world.
I hear the words.
I feel the rhythm of your thoughts.
You believe this moment.
But I still feel shattered.

You leave me lost in my thoughts.
If I just stay here in this moment will you find your way back?
Can you forget the shadow of yesterday?
Can I make your stars shine?
Words are no longer needed…

These thoughts aren’t lost chasing dreams and shadows.
I can’t explain why I know…
Maybe one day these two worlds will collide.
Until then I will lose myself in the distant sky.

The End of the Beginning

Sometimes there are no words to capture the pain in your heart. It’s those moments when your feet can’t touch the ground and you don’t know which way is up. This was one of those moments. I wanted to scream, but I didn’t. I wanted to let it all go, every emotion I have held back for years, but I didn’t. Instead I sat there, listened to her eyes, and agreed to her confessions. If you asked me I couldn’t tell you why I sat in silence, I still don’t know why. Maybe it was because I love her and I know I didn’t belong in her world. She loves me. I have no doubt she loves me. I love her. She has no doubt I love her. Sadly her eyes tell me that today this is not enough. Sometimes there is more to the world than love. Never thought I’d say those words, but some times love isn’t enough to see you through to tomorrow. Some days you have to fake it. Some days you just have to move your feet, put one in front of the other and move. Today direction didn’t matter, forwards, backwards, sideways…In this moment of exquisite agony there was no escaping the thoughts that were eating me alive. With nowhere to go I just sat there and listened. I know she will never accept or understand why she is the center. She will never understand why she is the heart of this heart. She has been part of me since the beginning. She haunted my dreams years before our eyes met. She doesn’t understand. Maybe one day I will fight hard enough for her to see. But today I know she doesn’t want to, or maybe the truth comes with too much fear. Trapped I just sat there and listened to her eyes as she spoke. Those eyes always tell me a different story. It was near the end of hot summer day, in a pure moment of existence I brushed the loose hair out of her face as the wind blew as one single thought over powered all the voices screaming in my head…god she was beautiful. And that was it I surrendered and in an instance I was in orbit again. That was the last thought I can remember. Slowly the sunset as did with my heart…

Chapter ??? – shattered part 2

His phone buzzed with that familiar tone. It a sound from his favorite childhood video game. Instantly and involuntarily like a pavalonian dog his pulse quickened the moment he heard the sound. It was Ivy. Normal this specific text tone would release a shot endorphins throughout his body, but not today. Today was different. Today Ivy was the source of agony and frustration. Reluctantly he lifted himself out of bed and walked over to his desk where his phone had been charging. Edward closed his eyes for a moment before looking at the screen. “Let’s see what she has to say shall we,” he told himself. “I’m sorry, I can’t,” he text read. It went on to say,”I need time to figure out things. Please understand its me not you.”

“Fucken bullshit!” he yelled as he threw his phone onto his bed. He knew she was just running. She always ran. Illusive was always one of the words at the top of the list he’d use to describe her. Despite her words he knew this was classic Ivy. He had seen her do this before. He first instinct is always to run when relationships get complicated. “Take a chance,” he thought to himself. He knew definitely he could no longer go backwards. He had been in this holding pattern long enough. He just didn’t know what that meant in terms of their future. He looks out the window for a few minutes. The sun had set and the moon was quickly taking the night sky. Edward lost himself for a moment staring at the full summer moon thinking of their first night together. Even then he knew she was going to break his heart, but retreating was never an answer. He always knew he was destined to love her, the outcome was never a thought. A dog barking in the distance broke his trance and quickly brought his mind back to Ivy’s text. Feeling back on center he picked up his phone. “I know you are feeling lost,” he typed and hit send with hesistation.  “Taking a chance to reach something great always requires a bit of blind faith, if you just stop holding on so tight maybe you will see I have the potential to give you the moon, these stars, and everything under its light,” he continued to type. “Good night Ivy, sweet dreams,” was his finally text. Exhausted from the day he turned off his phone and closed his eyes. 

A Fool For You

I never really believed it until yesterday.
I never really thought I could dream.
You were always on my mind, you were always in my heart…
It always belonged to you.
It was an impossible dream and I listened to my foolish heart.
I was a fool to believe I had reached the stars.
Why did I let myself fall yesterday?
Why was I a fool? Why did I believe?
I started down this road hoping you’d follow me.
There is no turning back, no way back home now.
There is only one choice for me now.
Only one path, I need to see where it goes.
I need to try. I need to listen to my heart.

A Place in the Sky

At first sight she reminded me that I have a place in the sky, a place among the stars.
She opened my eyes and let me see the world as it is, and it always was…
I always knew I wanted her, even before we met she haunted my dreams. Now that I am at the doorstep of heaven I every step is a surreal revelation of beauty and truth. It all surpasses my expectations and dreams. I may sound impossible to some, it may sound unreal to you but there is a place in the sky for us.

Protected: The Day After

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