Thoughtless moments

I wish I could see the your shadows and run through your restless nights. I would give anything to hear your silence and understand the pain. As you close your eyes the world fades, but I still feel the fear and desire haunting your dreams. Lost In moments of confusion. Lost in oceans of changing tides and dark deep waters I fall fast. Blinded by dreams and lost in thoughtless moments I run after your darkness chasing it into the rising sun. I know one day the darkness will meet the light, and your silence will be heard. Until then I will beauty in the shadows.

March 28, 2015

Jadie,  I feel the friend in me has let you down. I let you down by not being stronger. You want me to be in your life, and the feeling is mutual. It’s a struggle and I’m trying, believe me I’m trying. There have months to process the fact there is someone new in your life, and there is one clear conclusion. There is a need for you in my life, you are part of me, and I want to be part of you. You have to know I will never be able to look at you and hide the fact that the light in your eyes will always define beauty for me. My emotions for you will always run deeper than what could be defined by the word friendship. This undeniable attraction, this never ending need to love you still confuses me. I have never know why I’m so drawn to you. Like you say it’s pointless to fight it. The only way to define it is to say your existence really does complete my soul and brings me peace never felt before. Your presence brings me love, strength, and the fire of desire. You make me want more, you make me want to be more, but most of all you remind me I owe it to myself and everyone around me to be more. When I pull away from you I feel the loneliness and I only hurt myself. Jadie I miss your thoughts, I miss our conversations, and I miss you. Please let me know if this all sounds crazy to you, if you think I’m crazy or if I am wrong about who you are to me. I guess what I am saying is I’m ready to give you what you been asking for…



Look Away

You gave me hope with no doors open. You brought life to my night. You gave focus to my pain.

I was on my knees when we met. My heart bleeding for hopeless moments. Can you feel the river you’ve made?

Now dreams are my islands, each waking breath is time frozen. If I could beg I’d beg for one moment of weakness, I’d beg for one moment of eternity with those lips.

I could die in those eyes a thousand times. I’d betray the gods for one stolen moment in heaven.

Now I sit here lost in oblivion fighting angels for the light, learning to love the silence. You have taught me well, but maybe I’m destined to burn trying to reaching the sun.

There are no regrets, I am close to the stars than I have ever been, and I am greater than I have ever been.

Turn the Lights On

Turn the lights on and let the sound fade. The sun is setting and heaven is rising.

Turn the lights on and open the door. Let the sounds and colors fill you dreams.

Turn the lights on and love me just for today. Your thoughts and dreams will meet in a kiss.

Turn the lights on and look into my stars, make them bleed, make them right. My skies live for you.

Turn the lights on and let me fade.

Demon Dreams

I close my eyes and think of you. My dreams, your light, and my demons explode into a beautiful never-ending trail of lost moments. Clouded, lost, determined…I keep moving, I keep breathing, I keep loving you.

I just want to love without floating away. I just want one kiss without the shadows taking flight. Maybe I’m not real, maybe you aren’t here. These demons are chasing my thoughts into tomorrow, as I race faster than the light, screaming into silence. This is my never-ending truth of lost love, and impossible desires.

Your words lie, they tell me its a beauty that does not exist, but I feel my destiny when I close my eyes. Infinity is notGiving up is not an option. I’d rather die broken than feed the demons. My truth is stronger and deeper than the fear of losing you.

I don’t love just for love, I don’t live just to breath…

Heart Beats

Frozen in time without a word to say. There you are in front of me fading into focus. Moving from shadows to light I try to stop it but it’s impossible to fight. Your light reflecting in his eyes, I see it and it tears right through my mind. I try to run but there is nothing I can feel except the beats of my heart. I close my eyes but I still see you. I know I shouldn’t be here but I have no where to run. I pray for the beats to stop but I keep feeling. My only hope is that it beats for tomorrow…

Walking Away


I have been up most of the night searching for answer. Praying I’d find a way to keep you close because I can’t imagine not sharing this life with you. We are both exhausted and my mind has been working overtime since Thursday trying to wrap my arms around this situation. I told you that seeing you and him together felt like a thousand knives stabbing my heart all at once. It hurt more than I expected. It was a terrifying moment of truth, but when my heart stopped beating out of my chest I had a moment of clarity. What I felt was the realization of a truth I do not know how to explain, and I know you are blind to this reality. The only way I can say it is that you are timeless, and this world will crumble to dust long before I stop loving you. You are the missing piece of my heart that I never thought I’d find, and my world is infinitely more meaningful and beautiful with you in it. You say I need to give other women a chance, but I know there are no other woman like you. Somethings you just know. There is no point in arguing because on this point we will always disagree. It’s a cruel joke that the timing is off, because I know my heart fits your’s like a corresponding piece of a puzzle. It kills me knowing there are parts of me you see perfectly, but sadly there are other parts that you can’t see. If you actually opened your eyes to this blindness you would be surprised. Given half a chance maybe I’d surprise you. You don’t have to agree and I do not want to overwhelm any further. Nor I do not want to hurt you or be the source of any frustration, but I would be a coward if I walked away without saying I think you are wrong about me. I know you feel something missing, but maybe this is based on a skewed perception. I will give you space if you need space, I will give you silence if you need my silence, but don’t walk away. It would be a mistake to walk away right now. I am not asking for you to pretend that the past few days didn’t happen. I am just asking you stop over thinking every move, and I will do the same. I can not change the way I love you, you know that will never change, it’s all or nothing, but I can promise to give you your best friend back and I can promise you honesty and moderation in my eyes, in my actions, and in the words I say. I am not disposable Jadie, not to you. You need me just as I need you. You are the greatest story of my life, and I want to see how this story to the end.




You are a ghost that haunts my days. A shadow that covers my world. I am beyond what you can understand, and I defy all that you believe. 

There is one thought that keeps me going.  There is one emotion that keeps my heart beating into tomorrow. And this is a truth you will never know. This is a thought you will never be able to accept. 

You are the one truth beyond all others. The pure thought that captures my entire life. The silent sunrise, the complete sunset.  The ultimate definition of beauty. I will never know another truth closer to my heart. I will never know a soul that redefines beauty with every breath. 

Better than me

Who could love you better than me? Is it possible there is someone out there that can look deeper into those eyes and love you beyond the capacity of my heart? This a tough question for me to truthfully answer. The romantic in me would like to say no without a second thought. Before I answer I need to define my love. I know other men in your life feel it is purely in infatuation. I’m sure other women would agree as well, but I can honestly tell you this is not the case. I understand why one would easily define this as infatuation. It makes sense. How could I say I selflessly and completely love you given the amount of time I have known you and considering I have never even kissed you once? If I was on the outside looking in I would agree. I’m not gonna lie, to the logical sane mind this doesn’t make sense. I have known you less than a thousand days. However, I am on the inside of this bubble looking out, and without any doubt I know I love you. This is something you know without thinking. When I say the words I love you I feel my heart agree without any hint of hesitation. You have literally change the way my heart beats. You have changed the way I see the world. With you in my life the world suddenly makes sense. Every time we talk, every time I see you I find more reasons to love you and the world. I’m not a child, nor do I think like one. I have lived and loved. I have experienced tragic loss. Through all my experiences I have learned that when something truly special comes along your heart will tell you, and you my dear are rare. You are that unicorn that comes along once in a life time if you are lucky. Yes you are flawed, as we all are, but any sadness or pain you hold onto only adds to your beauty in my eyes. It’s not that I love you like a poor little bird with a broken wing that you find on your doorstep. I have always loved paradoxes, and that soul of yours defies the logic of this universe. You defy what my cynical mind has grown to believe. You should not exist, but you do. I lived my life thinking someone like you was only a myth, just like the unicorn, and here you are right in front of me. I also intuitively feel and understand you. I’m not saying I can read your mind, because sometimes you surprise me, but most of the time I feel your thoughts before you mind can form the words. I have said it before and I’ll say it again I feel your heart beat inside of mine. You are the heart of my heart, the center of my center, the root of all things true and I knew you before we ever met. Sounds ridiculous I know, but on everything I hold sacred in my life I swear this to be true. You also bring comfort to my eyes, and I am not just saying you are easy to look at, although you know I think there are not many women as beautiful as you. What I mean is that when I look at you I forget my own pain. When my eyes look into yours I know all things are possible, and I know what you are thinking you can’t understand how you could possible inspire someone this way. I just know if something as amazing as you can exist in this world then all things are possible. When I feel all the love you have in your heart I swear you out shine the sun. Being a part of you makes me fearless. You don’t see it but you are perfect in so many ways, and I use this word not because you are flawless. I say perfect because there is nothing that you could change that would make me love you more deeply. I also love that you are aware who you are and embrace it. Although this can make you stubborn at times and to be honest frustrate the hell out of me, I still love that you find strength in this awareness. This also challenges me and I secretly love strong women who challenge me. Ok I could go on endless. I have thousands of other reasons why I love you, and I never get tired of finding different ways to love you. So lets end this here and get back to your question. Is it possible there is someone better suited to love you? Sure it’s possible. It’s possible for lighting to strike twice in the same place.. Maybe it’s also possible this world is just over flowing with unicorns. I’m not saying there isn’t someone out there who could make you happy. I’m sure there are a lot of men out there that could give you a life that you deserve. I just you are one of a kind, our connection is one of a kind, and I don’t expect to ever find that again. If I am delusional and if I am not as special to you as I think I am then please let me know. Everyday that passes I am convinced more and more that you are my soulmate. Maybe thats why I love you so easily. I’ve felt compelled to love you since the day we met. This love goes beyond the limits of friendship. This love exceeds that of a romantic love. It defies definition and reason. You know this to be true. I would do anything for you. Your happiness is my happiness. I need to be a part of you, and share everything with you. I will always love you. I feel like I need to find a stronger word because even the word love is starting to feel limiting when I think about my feeling for you. Well there you go. Here are your thousand words. If you promise to read it I can promise you a thousand more each day.


Happy Birthday

Great days like today deserve to be celebrated. I know your humble eyes will never willingly acknowledge what the world sees in you, but enjoy this day and let the world love you. Let some of that light shine inward and enjoy the fact that you have much love in your life, a loving family, a beautiful mind and a warm soul. You are special beyond special and although timid at times you are one of the bravest women I know. I have said it a few times before you are an amazing mix of conflicting qualities. A strange rare mix of strengths and vulnerabilities. A beautiful paradox. It may take time for some eyes to adjust and make sense of it all, but when it all comes together no sane mind will deny that you are symphony of beauty.

Happy Birthday Jadie.



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