Chapter 7 – From a distance

Loving someone from a distance is an agonizing challenge, but he had to keep his distancce. He knew trying to touch the stars is a tragic hope that is almost impossible to fulfill. Still she was beautful, and he knew this type of beauty was a rare gift for his eyes. Her physical beauty, was only half of it, watching her think, watch her feel, was like watch heaven being born, pure magic. She was unaware of the miracle she had grown to be to those around her. She was so unaware of her magic, I can only compare her blindness to a fallen angel who lost her way home. He found her humility charming. Each moment with her was amazing, he tried to memorize every detail. He would stare at her when she wasn’t looking in the hope that her image would burn into his eyes permanently.

They worked for the same company so he was lucky to see her almost on a daily basis. She would joke, “How could you miss me, you see me almost everyday?” He would think to himself, “I will never get tired of looking at that face.” Today he was lucky enough to get a lunch date with her. He knew with someone like her an invite always had a 50/50 change at best. So today was his lucky day, she said yes. Many men at his company had pursued her, and rightfully so, she was special. Even the men with half a brain could see this, and because of this having lunch with her always made him feel like he had won a prize that day. They went to their usual spot, she was very particular in her restaurants, but he never complained because that discerning palate of hers never let him down. She was a little thing, with a tiny frame but she did enjoy her food. This was among his top ten favorites things about her, and yes sadly he had a list he kept in his head. For example number 7 was the way she used his full name, Joseph. Although he never knew whether to be terrified or exhilirated when that word left her lips. She ate with passion, but not in a gluttonous way. She ate in a way that showed she was not afraid to enjoy the simple things in life. Luckily for him she also liked to share her passion for food. She had many facets to her existence like this, and each one made you want to love her as much as your heart could bear. As they sat down she quickly ordered her usual spicy salmon salad. He loved to watch her eat, somehow it made her beauty more accessible to him, somehow it made her seem almost real enough to touch. He would always play with her saying, “watching you eat is like food porn for me.” He did love watching her eat, but he really just liked to watch her exist. Watching her comb her hair, cook an egg, or even tie her shoe was a treat for him, but that’s love for you. It has a way of reminding you that the small moves of the universe are the ones we remember and cherish. Their order only took 10 minutues as they were the only one in the small restaurant. As she quickly devoured her salad he sat and admired her appetite almost forgetting his own meal. He just sat scretly admiring her and thought,”God she’s amazing.”

Loving you…

Jadie,

Loving you is not as hard as you think. Your mind is not average and that heart is complexity I find hard to describe, so I can see how someone can describe loving you as challenging. I can only describe this in the terms of my love for you, and I have to believe these words are true. There is a certain trust and certainty I find in that heart. I don’t fully understand why I have an overwhelming need to love you. I don’t even know why it gives me so much joy, but I know I need to, I always have. I’ve had a chance to experience the world without you and it’s cold, flat, and it’s lonely. Do you know why its easy for me to love you? Because I let go of everything and follow my heart to your center. It’s an instinct that can be clouded by thought. You transform the world for me, you fill it with so much beauty its almost to much for my heart to handle. You say I over think but the truth is I don’t. The truth is I can love you so deeply and perfectly because we aren’t identical. We are two sides of the same coin, and thats how I find balance. This unconditional love or compassion some would call it is reserved for special stars in my sky. If I had to decide which is more important to my survival, breathing or loving you, I really couldn’t answer. If I stopped either I really couldn’t say I’d be alive. I have a passion, a fire that drives me beyond simple thoughts, and thats how I survive inside your heart. So I don’t think too much, yes I feel a lot of things deeply, but I’ve learned control my thoughts. I’ve learned without control I’d lose myself and you. How do you think I’m able to be there for you in different ways? If I didn’t learn to control my thoughts I would go mad. I focus on the most important part of my universe, your eyes, those beautiful eyes are an ocean of love and provide me all the truth I need. I know you say I’m special and no one will love you the way I do, but you need balance, you need that other person to be the negative to your positive charge. Without it life is a roller coaster, and not in a good way. You deserve to be loved, but you shouldn’t have to sacrafice all that makes you special. These complexities are the source of your beauty, they make you special, and they should not be sacraficed. I would really hate to see you sacrafice all that beautiful, that would break my heart. I said all of this yesterday, but I wanted to give you a more thoughful response.

Love,

Joseph

Making it rain

I never knew I could make it rain until I loved you. I never realized my heart wasn’t mine until you called my name. Hearts collide in an instant erasing yesterday. I never knew I could be strong enough to love you until tonight. I never knew I could make it rain until I met you.

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Chapter 13 – Sitting in Silence

Sitting in silence driving home from work he thought, “why does she waste her time with something she knows will not last, does she know, or does she lie to herself?” He knew she is smarter than that so he was struggling to see what he was missing. Earlier that day she had confided something her new boyfriend had shared. He shared a comment his female friend made when seeing a photo of her. It really wasn’t a comment, more of a dispersion about her looks, and I’m sure this guy made a veiled attempt at defending her, but it was still upsetting. This upset him not because of this woman’s insulting comments, but because he knowingly exposed her to ridicule and then shared it in a childish attempt to make himself look good. This so-called friend of his really wasn’t a friend, even though he claimed she was his best friend, she was in fact an ex-girlfriend he kept around for convinent sex. He had been sleeping with her on a regular basis even after they broke up. She was obviously still in love with him. As she shared what happened and what this guys shared his world turned to red. It might have been a minor event in her eyes, and I’m sure this guy probably tried to repair the damage by telling her of the beauty he sees when he looks at her, the fact remains this was a situation he foolishly created. “Did he do it just to make himself look good, why is he playing games,” he wondered? If he wasn’t playing games he was far to old to be this dumb. Even if he apologized, these actions add to his list that make him questionable at best. What game was he trying to play with her heart. It was upsetting because when you really break it down and ananlyze this objectively it was an action of a child, a pointless game this man-boy was playing. He thought, “Someone like this does not deserve her.” He tried to control his anger because he knew its not his place to protect her, and usually this instinct ends up pushing her away. He ended up having dinner with his friend that night to keep himself from stewing in his own anger, and eventually his anger subsided. As his vision cleared his anger turned to sadness. Sadness because this was her choice and knew he could do nothing to protect her. He was sad because he knew it wasn’t his place, but mostly he was sad because he knows all she wants is to be loved. This guy is not capable apprieciating a heart like hers. He may understand her on some levels, and he obviously made a connection with her but he is an imposter at best and his immature selfish actions expose his flaws. He already knew from previous conversations that he will never will be worthy of the gift she gives him, but this just validated his instincts. Admittidly, he feels what he feels for her but his love is always strong enough to see the truth. Unfortunately she doesn’t see it yet, but this guy is not what he seems and will fall short. Again he just has to sit in silence and let the world hurt her again. “I can’t care more than her,” he tells himself constantly.

Chapter 2 – Rainy Days (JTM)

It had rained all day and the cold air was fresh and new, a rare treat for southern california. He was on his way to work but the chill in the air triggered thoughts of his younger years when his father was still alive. His father was a truck driver and occasionally his mother would take him to work. It never made sense to him that his mother would drive all that way when his father had his own car, but being older now he realized his father worked long hours, sometimes 7 days a week to pay for his private school, and this was their only way of spending time together. Since he was on summer break he would wake up early to tag along with his parents. Usually there was time to stop at a donut shop a few miles from his work, and thay would spend a minutes drinking their coffee talking. Funny thing is now he couldn’t tell you in detail any of their conversations, but looking back these early morning drives to his fathers work were some of his best childhood memories. It wasn’t just the donut and chocolate milk that was his motivation, he didn’t realize it at the time but this was also his way of stealing time back time with his father. Most days his father would leave before he woke up, before the sun even rose, and he would be lucky if his father returned in time for dinner. His father drove an old rusty beat up 1957 chevy truck, its rough idling and rusty squeaks gave it a very distinct sound. The sound would always announce his fathers return from work. It must have been a company truck because there were to white blotches of paint on each door, appearently where someone painted painted over the company name. Not sure why they used white since the truck was dark green but this lazy effort resulted in what really looked to white clouds. To his childhood eyes they did look like clouds, and he never really questioned why they were there, he just accepted them as clouds.

Just a thought before I sleep…

Jadie,

I know I am always writing you, through text messages, through instant messages, etc… I know you probably understand more than most, but sometimes the meaning of my thoughts get lost in the noise. This noise, which you have come to know as the complication of us, although profound, can be exhausting at best. I know I can be exhausting, and maybe I am being too generous in my description, but I need to know you know that you are special and beautiful beyond description. This is one truth I need you to know. If I have to spend my life composing it a million different ways I will, thankfully I never get tired of telling you this. You tell me I see more than what you are, as if I take this image of you and add this imaginary narrative to create this person that doesn’t exist. Maybe I see more than the current moment, I see your past, I see your future and I see perfect heart you keep hidden from the world. If I’m wrong, if I am dreaming, I hope I never wake up, but I know I am not dreaming. There are only a few truths I know and you are one. No one, not even you will be able steal that from me. I know your heart doesn’t belong to me, maybe it never will, but it doesn’t matter. You inspire greatness in me, and loving you has taught me to be fearless. I know you can’t understand why, and to be honest I don’t understand why. All I know is that you give me reason to burn bright, so thank you. Thank you for your love. I’m sorry if you have heard this all before, tonight I am just missing you and feeling a little guilty because I know I will not be around for as long as you want me to be. I know you are strong and can live a life without me, and maybe I am thinking to much of myself, but when I woke up from my dream last night you were the first thing that came to mind. Ok I really need to sleep its getting harder and harder to complete thoughts. I just want you to know I love more than ever and even though I miss you there is a part of me that is happy to you know you finally found someone that makes you happy.

Love,

J

Chapter 25 – Blind Desires

Over the course of a few short year the two had become best friends. The two had shared thoughts and emotions they never share with the rest of the world. It was undeniable their souls were connected by their truths, their fears, and an undefinable love the shadowed their own significance. Through countless late night conversations they learned they are not alone. When their thoughts intertwined he felt the magic. Instantly they both recognized each other’s perfect imperfections. Selfless and pure it was definitely true love, and because of this impossible truth he could never feel anger or regret knowing her name. Looking back he could find no fault in her love. Looking back he could never feel anything except grateful for that warm summer night they met, the night he first spoke her name, it was only two syllables but as soon as that beautiful word left his lips his existence suddenly had meaning. Despite all the profound moments, despite all the intimate understandings, a part of his heart knew his desires were hopeless, and he knew could not blame anyone for the mess his heart had become. He had no reason to believe he could fight the stars, no one ever said he had chance, but this love he felt when he looked at her knew no fear. From the beginning she said it wasn’t there, and he had no reason to doubt. In fact he always knew he was running towards the fire and his desires were impossible at best. He couldn’t tell you if it was bravery or foolishness to try to love a heart like hers. Maybe it was that foolish heart that convinced him, maybe it was his blind love that said he might actually be good enough to be the reason her heart beat. Despite all the pain when he looks back he still feels no regret, honestly the only thing that ever scared him more than being so far away from heaven is being close, being able to feel her heart beat next to his was a terrifying thought. He knew this blindness offered its own salvation, he knew if he held her the way he wanted, even just once, he could never turn back. If he was able to know the beauty of waking up with her in his arms he would be crushed into oblivion. If you never know what pure happiness feels like how could you ever truly miss it. To him it was all a dream, and all though this dream was pure agony, it was far less than that fall from heaven would be if he ever lost her. He knew he would never know what is like for her to hurt for him. He couldn’t barely imagine what it feels like for her to need him. His name will never make her dream, not the way hers does for him. Still he wish he knew why his heart needs to love her, he wish he knew why he had to understand her pain. During the long nights all he could think was, “Why did the universe give him this useless heart?” He didn’t look for this, it found him. Why was this love instant? Nothing was easier or ever felt more true that this love. He wondered why she needed him to admit it was lie. “Was it a lie?”, he thought. “Do my eyes lie?”, he would wonder. He tried to stop it, he tried a thousand times, but nothing felt more unnatural than not loving her the only way he knew how. He tried to let her go, but it was exhausting to pretend he was not who he was. An invisible force he never understood always pulled him back. Without any effort without any thought he would float back to her. She never lied, her actions, her words never gave him false hope. She wanted his heart to break so he could move on, and trust me so did he. He would pray every night to his heart to stop working. If it broke then at least he might see the shadows she speaks of, and maybe he would stop seeing the perfection she brought to his world. Still he always knew letting go was never a solution to his plight, she didn’t understand letting go carried with it its own hazard. Letting go, admitting that his heart lies and his eyes are useless would damage his soul beyond repair. It would kill the spark that fuels his passion. This is what she wants, this is what she thinks he needs, but this would be a lie he would never believe. He can’t stop seeing her for what she is, what she has always been, and what she is meant to be. He wish he could beg her for a chance but he loves her too much to for that. He could give into weakness, it would be so easy to plead for what he wants, but he can’t. He has never has never even tried. Doing so would bring him down to the level of all the other men that have taken selfishly from all her life. He tells himself, “Silence is the better than lies, silence is better than selfishness.” Lately silence has become his best friend. He would never be strong enough to walk away, but he know she is stronger than that. She could survive a world without him so that’s why he learned to love silence, and maybe he could survive a world without her but it would be a world without color, flat and void of any meaning. He would slip occasionally from his vow of silence, well maybe quite often, but that was still a fraction of the fire that she inspired within him. “Maybe one day things will be different, maybe one day the timing will be right, and if not this life maybe the next,” he tells himself as he falls into his bed exhausted every night. Loving in silence is exhausting if you have ever tried it, and he’s been doing it longer than he cares to remember. It sounds in insane but he loved her before they met, the only truth he had every really taken into his heart was this love he feels when he looked at her. It made him strong, it made him weak, but above all loving her made him who he always knew he should be. Maybe one day she would come to accept his love for what it is, maybe one day she’ll understand this will never change and thousand years of loneliness would do nothing to dull his love, not that this will change her heart but at least she will know he’s not blind in his desires.

Blindness

This love, this blindness is a a fools best friend. I knew I wasn’t even close, but I had to try. I don’t even know why, I had a life and I gave it up for an impossible dream.

Silence

Silent thoughts. Silent voices. It’s all I have to light the night.

I wish, I want but I but know these stars burn out before the dawn.

Words with out meaning and love without an end. This is all I see.

Maybe the world is beyond my dreams. Maybe these words are meant to echo into silence. Maybe silence is the last truth I will know.

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