Jadie,

Thank you for showing me the light of inspiration comes from within, and giving me reason to bring my dreams into reality. Day after day I continue to work, and there is no turning back for me. However, you have to know that each word meant more when I was able to share it with you. Even the fire you sparked burns cold because I can’t feel comfortable in it’s light. Each word is now a painful awkward struggle because I hate my eyes. I see things, I see you, I see the world, but I’m not sure of the truth of it all. Something is broken and I am not sure how to fix it. I doubt what I see and I don’t trust what I feel when I try to believe what you want me to believe. In someways I know I was both wrong and right to feel what I feel. Am I crazy to miss you? Right now I am on center in the perfect place, free of the fears and insecurities that have plagued some many years, but something feels so wrong. I don’t doubt the path to my success. At the same time I know your life is good right now, maybe it’s better without me, and I know it’s selfish of me to miss you but I do. It’s true you enabled me. You enabled me to pull myself out of a dark downward spiral, you enabled me to realize my potential, and you enabled me to turn my back on fear. For this I will always love you. You’ve helped me open my eyes. You’ve given me my world back. This is why it’s hard for me love you within moderation. You are a unique wonderful anomaly, even in times of frustration or anger it’s a truth I never dispute. I hope one day I can share this world with you. Until then I wish you a wonderful birthday week and all the love in the world.

Love,

J

J,

I know I should be staying away and not reaching out to you. It’s what you want, but it’s so hard for me to pretend I do not feel your heart beat when I close my eyes. Really I doubt you are still reading my blog. Having you in my life awakens so much in me and now awakened these parts of me refuse to sleep. Believe me I have contemplated your words, your thoughts and your emotions. I agree my love for you, the inspiration that follows your every word, and our relationship is not normal. It’s so beyond what most people see as normal and it’s beyond what they can understand. Honestly who wants normal? We have one life. There has always been something extraordinary about our connection, please don’t turn your back on the gifts we bring each other. From day one I know I have jumped in head first and relentlessly chased this desire to love you. I have been compulsive in my actions and words. I basically attacked you with my love. Time and time again I bury you in an avalanche of my admiration. There so much beauty and pain in your existence I swear my heart breaks a little each time I lay eyes on you. Unfortunately this is where I have gone wrong, I forget about myself as I got lost in those eyes. I lose control and overwhelm your heart. This time away from each other has helped me clear my head. I see you in better light and I’m back on center. I know I don’t want to lose this connection we had. Just like I knew your beauty was destined to bring me heart ache I also know this love we share is a miracle that will not repeat in this lifetime. Let me ask you to forget the eyes of others and all the assumptions the world wants you to believe. Forget all of this and let your heart tell you who I am. I know who you are to me. I just feel sometimes you are not completely honest with yourself about things. If I’m crazy please tell me. If you want me to believe it was all dreams of a madman I will. Just open your heart and connect these dots and tell me what you see. Please don’t over think any of these words, Inside me there is still your best friend, your soul mate. Don’t give up on me I still have so much to share with you, and there is so many great things we can accomplish together.

Extraordinarily Yours,

J

Jadie,

I am going to be honest and real, more than I have ever been. You text messages the other day, the words you shared hurt. The more I replay your words in my head the more it hurts, but I know it’s necessary to try end this foolish desire to love you. My heart literally skips a beat everytime I see you, I’ve fallen in love with you a thousand times since we met, the second my eyes open each day you are always my first thought, and I know that is so far from your reality. I know I’m just a friend. Every time you say that word to refer to me I can hear the extra emphasis you put on the word. The word “friend” or “buddy”, it stabs me in the heart a little each time I hear it, but I know you are trying let me know you don’t see me as anything else but a friend. The words I continue to repeat to myself are “not normal”, “uncomfortable”, and “move on.” I take them deep inside and repeat so I don’t forget. It’s just natural to want to show my affections, to do things for you, to want to make your life easier in everyway than I can. Believe me to achieve that there is nothing I can’t do or overcome, but it makes you uncomfortable. It makes you fear me. My questions is why? Your answer “does it matter, that’s how I feel” in someways this answer is not good enough. Do I not matter enough for you to answer? Do the things I say to you, the way I treat you exceed your capacity to be loved? I’m just trying to love you and asking for nothing in return. Have I ever asked for you to give me chance? Have asked for more than you are willing to give? All I ever really asked for was your time, an occasional opportunity to buy dinner, a few drinks. A chance to talk, hear your thoughts and maybe make you laugh. I know parts of you have been hurt, damaged, and broken from your childhood. You survived a lot. You’re strong enough to survive these things, but at the same time you’ve developed a selfishness by knowing you can survive. I have always sensed it, and I tollerated it because I care deeply about you. It’s what I do when I love someone, I try to protect the person from themselves. Maybe you see this as weakness. Regardless I know I shouldn’t do that anymore. Sometimes when you love someone there are times you sacrafice your own emotions to see them happy. You don’t love me this way, and I understand this now. I just want you to understand this about yourself. Yes you are selfish sometimes. Yes you are crazy and neurotic sometimes. Believe you are completely selfless and perfectly loving in so many other ways, and you know I love you like no one else. I just want you know that this broken part of you can be selfish and cruel sometimes. I hesistate to use the word broken because when I use that word I feel it should be used for something beyond repair, and I know this is not you. I also know there are alot of insecurites inside you that make you do these things, it’s a survival instinct, and it’s you trying to protect yourself from being hurt. I am sure you know I filter myself around you too. I do see you, and not just the good stuff. This is why I know my love for you is true. Up until this point I’ve only read about actual true love. People talk about it. Poets write about it. Falling in love with the person time and time again. Seeing the light and the dark in someone and loving it all. Something inside you bringing out your best when you see them at their worst. I still have a hard time explaining it other than to say I love every part of you and wouldn’t change a thing. Somehow with you I’m able to access hidden parts of my brain, heart and soul to reach my full potential. Again I have to say this is so far from what my presence brings to your life. You even defined it as not normal. This is me and if you really feel this is not normal I have to walk away. I’m not blaming you for not being attracted to me. It is what it is, but don’t tell me I am not man enough to love you or handle you. Given the chance I could excel at loving you perfectly and giving you the life you deserve. I am not afraid of your demons. I’m not afraid to give up my life for yours, but I’m getting off track. You’re a beautiful woman and you have no problem finding men to love you. I know you say you are not beautiful in the eyes of the world, but get over it Jadie. You are beautiful, dare I say hot, or even sexy, and there is so much more than your physical beauty. How many times have you said men go out of their way to give you compliments? At the market, the coffee shop, picking up bagels, etc. They pass you notes with their number. You were on that dating site and it took you all of two tries to find this guy. What did it take? A little under a month. I know you think he’s special but the fact is if you tried again you will someone else with little effort, and he will be as “special” as this guy. So don’t get tied up on this guy because honestly I don’t think he has the capacity to love you like you need to be loved. If anything I just think he knows how to manipulate women. He knows women like men with options, so he shows he has options. He knows women like strong men, so he lets them know he can walk away at anytime. He knows how to love you just enough without scaring you away, and at the same time he knows how to be just enough of a jerk to play your insecurities against yourself. If I am wrong tell me, but like your mom said even a blind man can see this. Again let’s get back on track here. I’ve had a few days to process all of this and I know loving you the way I do is not normal or natural. I have to stop being a fool. My affection makes you fear me. You want me to go on with my life. The more I love you the more you push me away. It’s so hard to hear these words but I know this is world I need to live in. At this moment I wish I didn’t love you, because I don’t know how to stop. I will never be like one of your girlfriends, and I will never be able to give you this “normal” friendship that you want. All I can give you today is this promise, a promise which I will never break, parts of my heart will always belong to you and I will always be here ready to love you completely, unselfishly and perfectly. Let me know if your stars ever align with mine.

P.S. I also promise never to stop writing, and to find the success you know I deserve. Hopefully I can find a way to share it with you.

Eternally and Uncomfortable Yours,

Joseph

Today wasn’t great. My mind is still preoccupied but I know I need to force myself to write even if its just going through the motions. I really do love early morning, before the sun rises. Today I did listen to the trains whistle and it did trigger memories of my childhood. I thought this is the same whistle I’ve heard my whole life. I thought of waking up early just to say goodbye to my father. He worked a lot and some days it was the only time I would have with him. Some how these memories connected to the early morning conversations we used to have. Early mornings are really sacred to me. It’s hard to find someone to share these moments with, it’s hard to find someone that enjoys these moments. Thank for reconnecting me with this memory. Wednesday night I had a dream about Rivergrade. The grounds of Rivergrade were mixed with a cemetary, and we all have our own plot in the cemetary with our own beds. There was a team meeting, but I stayed behind after to find something. It was dark and I somehow became lost in the cemetary. This little white doll was chasing me as I tried to find my way back. Everytime I turned a corner there she was standing. Last night I called you because I stood late worked out in the gym before leaving work. It was dark and empty. I parked in the front visitor parking lot, and for a second I took a wrong turn getting out. Sounds dumb I know. For moment it felt very similar to my dream. I had that same cold feeling. So that’s why I called you. I know I’m a big baby, but I walking through that main courtyard. Makes me laugh now, but it really felt like I was walking through my nightmare. I hate when I dream connect to the next day. It happens a lot. I know you think I’m crazy but I really did have a reoccuring dream about you before we met. It always came to me after a day that was especially hard. It was a short dream, covered in shadows, but there was this women with dark hair. She had a gentle, and compassionate energy. She had your face. She had your eyes. I had forgotten, but in the dream there were always flowers. Orchids, like the ones from your tattoos. Well that’s my thought for the day. I will work on my writing and start forming the plot. Have a good day Jadie.

Love,

Joseph